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I haven't written in a while, and there sure is a lot to write about.

There is a big change happening in my life very soon, but I'm not posting it here yet because there are some people back home I want to tell face-to-face. But, I'm very excited about it, very good things are going to happen, and everyone here at Multnomah has been so supportive.

Last night was the STUGO Christmas Party and my friend Marjen was in charge of it all. She had asked me to help her, so I said I could help set up and help clean up. I had so much fun! I sometimes have trouble enjoying myself at parties, but last night I learned that I enjoy others' enjoyment, and I was so glad that I was able to bring that to them, if at least in a small way.

After we cleaned up, Marjen and I went with a friend to the video store and I bought ten movies for sixty dollars. Did I seriously spend sixty dollars on movies?! I was a good bargain, but still, sixty dollars is a lot. I need to not spend money late at night and/or when I'm tired. That's when I'm most likely to be irresponsible and/or frivolous.

I've been listening to Carrie Underwood, Avril Lavigne a lot lately. Needless to say, I like them.

I have a final everyday next week except for Friday, so Mom's coming down on Friday to move me home. Thursday night I'm going to have a dinner with friends and just hang out, eat, play Apples to Apples, and rejoice in the grace God has showered on me in the form of all the wonderful people He has put in my life.

Tonight I have been invited to two different parties, but I think I'm going to turn down both. I need to study, as I'll have no time tomorrow.

Exhaustion

The events of this last week have been just so overwhelming in many ways, I write this to you as a way of processing it all.

Sunday at WellBeing, the AIDS ministry I work with at my church, I just became very heavy-hearted. Normally we don't ever talk about peoples' diagnoses, so I just kinda forget that the reason why everyone is there is because they have AIDS. But I made the mistake of stopping and thinking of this reality... he has AIDS, he has AIDS, and yes, even he has AIDS. I became so sad. All of these men whom I have gotten to know and have grown to love have this horribly unfair disease... I don't know how to hand this reality and process my emotions.

Monday brought a beautiful chapel honoring veterans for Veteran's Day. It wasn't just one person saying "This is what you need to know, this is what you need to feel." What they did was they brought men and women up on stage, in their various uniforms, and they all briefly shared their experiences and also what they thought was important for us to know and how we could pray for our servicemen and -women. That was really good, because I knew the people up there and I could connect with them. One thing that was hard to take, though, is what my friend Jason shared. He said that a silent and unknown killer of servicemen and -women is suicide. We civilians don't often hear about it, but it is a common occurrence. This got me worried about my brother Ian who is serving in the United States Marine Corps Reserve. No, I'm not afraid that he'll commit suicide, but I just began wondering if he ever gets discouraged, and I wanted to make sure he had someone to talk to. I just had this overwhelming feeling that he was having a bad day. So I texted him and told him I love him and to hang in there. He was a little confused and so we had short conversation about the Veterans' Day chapel, and he assured me that he would never leave us because he has too much to live for. He told me he was off to see the Seahawks play for the Monday Night Football game, so I kinda just assumed that meant he was going to the Crabtrees' house to watch it on the big screen, but I wondered why he was leaving for an evening game so early....

Later that night, he called me, but I was in the bathroom, so I missed the call. I called him back, figuring he just wanted to talk to me about earlier, to make sure I was okay and to assure me that he loved me. I called him, but he sounded like he was caught off-guard, so he said he'd call me back in a few. So as those few minutes passed, I wondered why he called. I figured it had to be important, otherwise he wouldn't say "Let me call you back." I was hoping it wasn't going to be a serious "You know I'll always love you, sis" kind of calls, because I was tired, and I really didn't feel like being serious. But what I did want was for him to tell me that him and Kaitlin were getting married. Call me selfish, but I'm just so tired of it all: meeting a new girlfriend, trying to figure out whether or not it's worth trying to be her friend, and either A. be her friend, or B. spend all my effort disliking her, and then after all that emotion effort from either A or B, they break up, and I have to spend even more emotional energy processing that and trying to recover. I'm just so tired of brothers and their girlfriends. And besides all that, I freaking love Kaitlin, and I really wanted to just hear him say that they're getting married. Because I freaking love her, and she's so incredibly good... and seeing her go would pretty much be the hardest thing ever, on at least two levels. So anyways, while I was waiting for Ian to call me back, I was just pacing and praying that the call would be to tell me they were engaged, and not to be all serious. So Ian calls me back and I crawl into my bed as I answer it. He asks me what I'm doing and I tell him that I was just about to go to bed, but that I can spend a few minutes talking to my brother. He asked me if I was sitting down, which was a dumb question I thought because I had just told him I was about to go to bed. So after he confirmed my sitting position, he said, "Okay, you ready?" I was so excited, and was thinking this is it! this is it! this is the news I want so bad! O God please let this be the news! He continued, saying "Kaitlin and I are engaged."

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's pretty much all I could do! I was so massively happy, I had no words. My word were not enough. All I could do was scream! And scream I did... for at least four or five minutes. Ian, on the other end of the phone, was telling me to quiet down because I'd wake up my whole floor, which of course I didn't care about, because it was still a few minutes before quiet hours, so I was technically good, even if I wasn't too polite. Ian put Kaitlin on, and she was giggling and just said "Hi Caroline!" And I said "Hi sister-in-law!" Confession: I've been calling her that since September, so now I'm glad it's official. Anyways, it was basically one big scream fest, and I didn't really say too many words, but I somehow realized that he had gone to the actual game that night at the stadium, so I asked him "You didn't propose at the Seahawks game, did you?!" And he told me that he did it after. Oh.

So Monday night I went through all the dorm telling everybody that my brother's getting married. It was bomb.

Tuesday... nothing much, I don't think.

Wednesday morning, Liz informs me that the fleas that have been biting me at work have made their way into our dorm room, because she now has flea bites. Let me explain. As a custodian, part of my job is to clean vacant housing units so they can be ready to be turned over to the next tenant. The unit I had been cleaning since Friday of last week was a house on Pacific Street, in a row of houses the school owns. It was completely empty, but there were fleas... and they liked to bite, the little bastards. At first I wasn't too worried, but then I got to thinking, and I realized I didn't want to be responsible for infesting the dorm with fleas, so I called my boss to let him know. The solution that my roommate and I reached: wash every single piece of clothing, bedding, and any textile that the fleas could be in.

The irony in this is that last weekend I had the brilliant idea to purge my wardrobe, because I was convinced I had too much clothing. Ha! I got rid of maybe two small boxes, and do you know how much I had left over? NINE LOADS! Nine loads of laundry. And that's in the large-capacity washer and dryer at my work. Another not so cool element, in order to get the laundry done sans quarters, I had to do it all at work... awkward, yes, but also inconvenient, as I had to continuously make trips across the back parking lot to the warehouse, sometimes carrying laundry and sometimes not, but every trip was in crummy weather.

So I didn't sleep in my room on Wednesday, I slept in my R.A. Summer's room. But, I managed to sleep past my alarm and not wake up until noon, missing chapel, a class, and an important meeting. And then Thursday night I made it a specific point to clean out my room and get back into it... that was a process. Had to take out everything that was on the floor, vacuum, then put everything back. It actually felt really good, and it really just makes me look forward to having my own room next semester. Then today, Friday, I slept late, too late to go to my Bibliology/Theology Proper class, but that's fine because I hate that class anyway. After classes and more laundry and such, I was able to go to Fall Banquet. And now I'm back. And I think that I am much to tired to finish this blog and fill in all the details I would like to, so I guess I'll pick this up again tomorrow.

My Three Bibles: The Holy Trinity

Just the other day I was carrying three things, and I realized they define my life to a T.

The Father: In Style Magazine. What dictates me the most? What am I consumed with at all times? Where do I find my security? Image. What makes the world go round, Father? Tell me eternal truths, such as What's Hot Now. Tell me the stories of the ages, such as the evolution of Jennifer Lopez's wardrobe, or the latest stories of Britney's divorce.

The Son: Date Book. What should I do? How should I live? What should I consult for every decision? What will serve for me as model of how to do things? The End All? O holy Date Book, allow me to live like you.

The Spirit, the oft ignored and neglected member of the Trinity: Holy Bible. (The real one.) Do I ever think of it? No, but I always have it with me. I consult it, occasionally, but mostly wonder if it's even that useful. In fact, I ignore its ever-present influence in my life. Sure, verbally I will admit that it is my driving force, but in practice it is not.

Am I alone in this? I don't think so. But still, I need to reexamine my priorities and redefine my trinitarian lifestyle.

Where Has All the Money Gone?

I used to get so mad at my mom. Every time she made chicken or spaghetti for dinner, I would ask her why we were having it for the thirtieth time that week.

"You'll understand when you have five hungry kids to feed."

But I never listened. I was too consumed in voice lessons, flute lessons, buying dresses and accessories for the next dance, going to movies, driving around town with expensive gasoline, buying myself sin in a cup from Starbucks, traveling around the United States and the world, or living in another state pursuing higher education. All with my parents' dollar.

Now, 19 years old and one year out of the house, I see it as a huge hurdle to go from one paycheck to the next. Learning to say no to a drink and a pastry from the cafe. Learning to pay debts in a timely manner, or not have them at all. Learning to decipher between need and want. I want to buy new shoes. I need to be saving money now for my trip to D.C. in March. I want to eat out. I need to take good care of my body. I want to spend my paycheck until it's gone. I need to keep money saved, because emergencies happen. (Like a $55 locksmithing when locked out of a car and in a pinch to get to Seattle....)

Now, 19 years old and one year out of the house, I'm not so picky with the food I have. I have enough. I have enough to sustain me through the day. I have enough to keep me healthy. And spaghetti is gratefully accepted.

Maiden Voyage

Tomorrow I am taking Miss Gulch out on her first trip. We're going to go to Bipartisan Cafe and having coffee with Karissa. I hope Almira makes it, because it would be rather unfortunate if something happened and I had to miss class because of said unfortunate incident.

In other news, in the last two days I've had an exam or a test or a quiz in all my classes. And I have an exam in Bibliology/Theology Proper on Friday that I know I'm not prepared for. I'm also way behind in my reading for History/Poetry, so I really need to get caught up in those classes. Fortunately my boss is really flexible with my schedule, so if I need to come in at a different time than what is on the schedule I gave him, he's fine with it.

Another thing that is a source of stress is the Do You See Orange? campaign that our Acting on AIDS group is doing this week. We're a bit behind, and still need to get the t-shirts sold! But, praise be to God, we had a really productive meeting on Saturday and were able to assign leadership roles (yes!), set some goals, and fill out our paperwork for STUGO, so we'll be chartered as an official student organization... as soon as I turn in the paperwork. Dot, dot, dot, sigh. But I am excited to get up at 5 in the morning tomorrow to put up the fliers! I get a kick out of those kind of things, and the morning is so beautiful. There's a simple form of perfection found in the morning stillness that can chase away any woe.

I think I'm going to start running again. I haven't really done it much since I ran on the cross-country team in high school, and I really miss it. And I spent a ton of money on new running shoes earlier this year, to train for a half-marathon I'm not going to run, so I may as well get some use out of them!

Friday night is an art auction that will raise funds for the ministry I'm involved in. I've been looking forward to this for weeks, and I feel it's important for me to go so I can finally start taking an ownership of the ministry I do. Unfortunately, my good friend, an old friend, a kindred soul, a brother of mine, Ben Dial, is having his first show that night in Salem. Ugh! Ben's first show! Do you know how badly I want to be there? I want to be there a lot. So much of me wants to forsake the art auction and go down to Salem. But I can't do that. It wouldn't be right. My ministry is a commitment I've made, and commitments are meant to be held, even when it doesn't seem convenient. I'd love more than anything to go to Ben's show, but I guess I'll see his next one.

Saturday I plan to go to the Portland Art Museum. They have student pass that I will buy and I'm really excited for it. I pay only $10 and I get in for a year! Special exhibitions are excluded, but that's okay: I can go to the PAM whenever I want! I may go on Saturday with Margaux, which will be nice because we don't live together anymore and I hardly ever see her.

I've started reading a new book. Being White: Finding our Place in a Multiethnic World, by Paula Harris and Doug Schaupp. It's really good and I've enjoyed reading the first few chapters. I'm trying to break my habit of starting books and never finishing them. I have a lot of good books that I've never read, mainly because I'm scared of never finishing them once starting. But I'd like to read the books I have, so I've got to start. The only way to get my books read is to start reading them. And not just start reading them: I've got to keep reading them.

Well, it is late and I must get up in six hours so I can put fliers up around campus. I'll let you know how Miss Gulch does!