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I haven't written in a while, and there sure is a lot to write about.

There is a big change happening in my life very soon, but I'm not posting it here yet because there are some people back home I want to tell face-to-face. But, I'm very excited about it, very good things are going to happen, and everyone here at Multnomah has been so supportive.

Last night was the STUGO Christmas Party and my friend Marjen was in charge of it all. She had asked me to help her, so I said I could help set up and help clean up. I had so much fun! I sometimes have trouble enjoying myself at parties, but last night I learned that I enjoy others' enjoyment, and I was so glad that I was able to bring that to them, if at least in a small way.

After we cleaned up, Marjen and I went with a friend to the video store and I bought ten movies for sixty dollars. Did I seriously spend sixty dollars on movies?! I was a good bargain, but still, sixty dollars is a lot. I need to not spend money late at night and/or when I'm tired. That's when I'm most likely to be irresponsible and/or frivolous.

I've been listening to Carrie Underwood, Avril Lavigne a lot lately. Needless to say, I like them.

I have a final everyday next week except for Friday, so Mom's coming down on Friday to move me home. Thursday night I'm going to have a dinner with friends and just hang out, eat, play Apples to Apples, and rejoice in the grace God has showered on me in the form of all the wonderful people He has put in my life.

Tonight I have been invited to two different parties, but I think I'm going to turn down both. I need to study, as I'll have no time tomorrow.

Exhaustion

The events of this last week have been just so overwhelming in many ways, I write this to you as a way of processing it all.

Sunday at WellBeing, the AIDS ministry I work with at my church, I just became very heavy-hearted. Normally we don't ever talk about peoples' diagnoses, so I just kinda forget that the reason why everyone is there is because they have AIDS. But I made the mistake of stopping and thinking of this reality... he has AIDS, he has AIDS, and yes, even he has AIDS. I became so sad. All of these men whom I have gotten to know and have grown to love have this horribly unfair disease... I don't know how to hand this reality and process my emotions.

Monday brought a beautiful chapel honoring veterans for Veteran's Day. It wasn't just one person saying "This is what you need to know, this is what you need to feel." What they did was they brought men and women up on stage, in their various uniforms, and they all briefly shared their experiences and also what they thought was important for us to know and how we could pray for our servicemen and -women. That was really good, because I knew the people up there and I could connect with them. One thing that was hard to take, though, is what my friend Jason shared. He said that a silent and unknown killer of servicemen and -women is suicide. We civilians don't often hear about it, but it is a common occurrence. This got me worried about my brother Ian who is serving in the United States Marine Corps Reserve. No, I'm not afraid that he'll commit suicide, but I just began wondering if he ever gets discouraged, and I wanted to make sure he had someone to talk to. I just had this overwhelming feeling that he was having a bad day. So I texted him and told him I love him and to hang in there. He was a little confused and so we had short conversation about the Veterans' Day chapel, and he assured me that he would never leave us because he has too much to live for. He told me he was off to see the Seahawks play for the Monday Night Football game, so I kinda just assumed that meant he was going to the Crabtrees' house to watch it on the big screen, but I wondered why he was leaving for an evening game so early....

Later that night, he called me, but I was in the bathroom, so I missed the call. I called him back, figuring he just wanted to talk to me about earlier, to make sure I was okay and to assure me that he loved me. I called him, but he sounded like he was caught off-guard, so he said he'd call me back in a few. So as those few minutes passed, I wondered why he called. I figured it had to be important, otherwise he wouldn't say "Let me call you back." I was hoping it wasn't going to be a serious "You know I'll always love you, sis" kind of calls, because I was tired, and I really didn't feel like being serious. But what I did want was for him to tell me that him and Kaitlin were getting married. Call me selfish, but I'm just so tired of it all: meeting a new girlfriend, trying to figure out whether or not it's worth trying to be her friend, and either A. be her friend, or B. spend all my effort disliking her, and then after all that emotion effort from either A or B, they break up, and I have to spend even more emotional energy processing that and trying to recover. I'm just so tired of brothers and their girlfriends. And besides all that, I freaking love Kaitlin, and I really wanted to just hear him say that they're getting married. Because I freaking love her, and she's so incredibly good... and seeing her go would pretty much be the hardest thing ever, on at least two levels. So anyways, while I was waiting for Ian to call me back, I was just pacing and praying that the call would be to tell me they were engaged, and not to be all serious. So Ian calls me back and I crawl into my bed as I answer it. He asks me what I'm doing and I tell him that I was just about to go to bed, but that I can spend a few minutes talking to my brother. He asked me if I was sitting down, which was a dumb question I thought because I had just told him I was about to go to bed. So after he confirmed my sitting position, he said, "Okay, you ready?" I was so excited, and was thinking this is it! this is it! this is the news I want so bad! O God please let this be the news! He continued, saying "Kaitlin and I are engaged."

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's pretty much all I could do! I was so massively happy, I had no words. My word were not enough. All I could do was scream! And scream I did... for at least four or five minutes. Ian, on the other end of the phone, was telling me to quiet down because I'd wake up my whole floor, which of course I didn't care about, because it was still a few minutes before quiet hours, so I was technically good, even if I wasn't too polite. Ian put Kaitlin on, and she was giggling and just said "Hi Caroline!" And I said "Hi sister-in-law!" Confession: I've been calling her that since September, so now I'm glad it's official. Anyways, it was basically one big scream fest, and I didn't really say too many words, but I somehow realized that he had gone to the actual game that night at the stadium, so I asked him "You didn't propose at the Seahawks game, did you?!" And he told me that he did it after. Oh.

So Monday night I went through all the dorm telling everybody that my brother's getting married. It was bomb.

Tuesday... nothing much, I don't think.

Wednesday morning, Liz informs me that the fleas that have been biting me at work have made their way into our dorm room, because she now has flea bites. Let me explain. As a custodian, part of my job is to clean vacant housing units so they can be ready to be turned over to the next tenant. The unit I had been cleaning since Friday of last week was a house on Pacific Street, in a row of houses the school owns. It was completely empty, but there were fleas... and they liked to bite, the little bastards. At first I wasn't too worried, but then I got to thinking, and I realized I didn't want to be responsible for infesting the dorm with fleas, so I called my boss to let him know. The solution that my roommate and I reached: wash every single piece of clothing, bedding, and any textile that the fleas could be in.

The irony in this is that last weekend I had the brilliant idea to purge my wardrobe, because I was convinced I had too much clothing. Ha! I got rid of maybe two small boxes, and do you know how much I had left over? NINE LOADS! Nine loads of laundry. And that's in the large-capacity washer and dryer at my work. Another not so cool element, in order to get the laundry done sans quarters, I had to do it all at work... awkward, yes, but also inconvenient, as I had to continuously make trips across the back parking lot to the warehouse, sometimes carrying laundry and sometimes not, but every trip was in crummy weather.

So I didn't sleep in my room on Wednesday, I slept in my R.A. Summer's room. But, I managed to sleep past my alarm and not wake up until noon, missing chapel, a class, and an important meeting. And then Thursday night I made it a specific point to clean out my room and get back into it... that was a process. Had to take out everything that was on the floor, vacuum, then put everything back. It actually felt really good, and it really just makes me look forward to having my own room next semester. Then today, Friday, I slept late, too late to go to my Bibliology/Theology Proper class, but that's fine because I hate that class anyway. After classes and more laundry and such, I was able to go to Fall Banquet. And now I'm back. And I think that I am much to tired to finish this blog and fill in all the details I would like to, so I guess I'll pick this up again tomorrow.

My Three Bibles: The Holy Trinity

Just the other day I was carrying three things, and I realized they define my life to a T.

The Father: In Style Magazine. What dictates me the most? What am I consumed with at all times? Where do I find my security? Image. What makes the world go round, Father? Tell me eternal truths, such as What's Hot Now. Tell me the stories of the ages, such as the evolution of Jennifer Lopez's wardrobe, or the latest stories of Britney's divorce.

The Son: Date Book. What should I do? How should I live? What should I consult for every decision? What will serve for me as model of how to do things? The End All? O holy Date Book, allow me to live like you.

The Spirit, the oft ignored and neglected member of the Trinity: Holy Bible. (The real one.) Do I ever think of it? No, but I always have it with me. I consult it, occasionally, but mostly wonder if it's even that useful. In fact, I ignore its ever-present influence in my life. Sure, verbally I will admit that it is my driving force, but in practice it is not.

Am I alone in this? I don't think so. But still, I need to reexamine my priorities and redefine my trinitarian lifestyle.

Where Has All the Money Gone?

I used to get so mad at my mom. Every time she made chicken or spaghetti for dinner, I would ask her why we were having it for the thirtieth time that week.

"You'll understand when you have five hungry kids to feed."

But I never listened. I was too consumed in voice lessons, flute lessons, buying dresses and accessories for the next dance, going to movies, driving around town with expensive gasoline, buying myself sin in a cup from Starbucks, traveling around the United States and the world, or living in another state pursuing higher education. All with my parents' dollar.

Now, 19 years old and one year out of the house, I see it as a huge hurdle to go from one paycheck to the next. Learning to say no to a drink and a pastry from the cafe. Learning to pay debts in a timely manner, or not have them at all. Learning to decipher between need and want. I want to buy new shoes. I need to be saving money now for my trip to D.C. in March. I want to eat out. I need to take good care of my body. I want to spend my paycheck until it's gone. I need to keep money saved, because emergencies happen. (Like a $55 locksmithing when locked out of a car and in a pinch to get to Seattle....)

Now, 19 years old and one year out of the house, I'm not so picky with the food I have. I have enough. I have enough to sustain me through the day. I have enough to keep me healthy. And spaghetti is gratefully accepted.

Maiden Voyage

Tomorrow I am taking Miss Gulch out on her first trip. We're going to go to Bipartisan Cafe and having coffee with Karissa. I hope Almira makes it, because it would be rather unfortunate if something happened and I had to miss class because of said unfortunate incident.

In other news, in the last two days I've had an exam or a test or a quiz in all my classes. And I have an exam in Bibliology/Theology Proper on Friday that I know I'm not prepared for. I'm also way behind in my reading for History/Poetry, so I really need to get caught up in those classes. Fortunately my boss is really flexible with my schedule, so if I need to come in at a different time than what is on the schedule I gave him, he's fine with it.

Another thing that is a source of stress is the Do You See Orange? campaign that our Acting on AIDS group is doing this week. We're a bit behind, and still need to get the t-shirts sold! But, praise be to God, we had a really productive meeting on Saturday and were able to assign leadership roles (yes!), set some goals, and fill out our paperwork for STUGO, so we'll be chartered as an official student organization... as soon as I turn in the paperwork. Dot, dot, dot, sigh. But I am excited to get up at 5 in the morning tomorrow to put up the fliers! I get a kick out of those kind of things, and the morning is so beautiful. There's a simple form of perfection found in the morning stillness that can chase away any woe.

I think I'm going to start running again. I haven't really done it much since I ran on the cross-country team in high school, and I really miss it. And I spent a ton of money on new running shoes earlier this year, to train for a half-marathon I'm not going to run, so I may as well get some use out of them!

Friday night is an art auction that will raise funds for the ministry I'm involved in. I've been looking forward to this for weeks, and I feel it's important for me to go so I can finally start taking an ownership of the ministry I do. Unfortunately, my good friend, an old friend, a kindred soul, a brother of mine, Ben Dial, is having his first show that night in Salem. Ugh! Ben's first show! Do you know how badly I want to be there? I want to be there a lot. So much of me wants to forsake the art auction and go down to Salem. But I can't do that. It wouldn't be right. My ministry is a commitment I've made, and commitments are meant to be held, even when it doesn't seem convenient. I'd love more than anything to go to Ben's show, but I guess I'll see his next one.

Saturday I plan to go to the Portland Art Museum. They have student pass that I will buy and I'm really excited for it. I pay only $10 and I get in for a year! Special exhibitions are excluded, but that's okay: I can go to the PAM whenever I want! I may go on Saturday with Margaux, which will be nice because we don't live together anymore and I hardly ever see her.

I've started reading a new book. Being White: Finding our Place in a Multiethnic World, by Paula Harris and Doug Schaupp. It's really good and I've enjoyed reading the first few chapters. I'm trying to break my habit of starting books and never finishing them. I have a lot of good books that I've never read, mainly because I'm scared of never finishing them once starting. But I'd like to read the books I have, so I've got to start. The only way to get my books read is to start reading them. And not just start reading them: I've got to keep reading them.

Well, it is late and I must get up in six hours so I can put fliers up around campus. I'll let you know how Miss Gulch does!

Freedom

"Almira Gulch. Just because you own half the town doesn't mean that you have the power to run the rest of us. For twenty-three years I've been dying to tell you what I thought of you! And now... well, being a Christian woman, I can't say it!"


This is my new baby. Her name is Miss Gulch. Maybe she's not much to look at, maybe she a bit too rusty and a bit too squeaky. And I'm sure in her day she wasn't that much anyway.

But she's mine.

I will work on her. I will treat her well. I will pour my time and money into her. I will take her on regular trips around the city.

Why?

Because she is my ticket to freedom. She will get me off this campus. She will give me independence. She will inspire me to such great heights.

History

Today in Western Civ., Dr. Scalberg had a great lecture, as I assume he always will, and he shared these quotes.

"Our times and our thoughts are largely shaped y the past. That shaping is one reason we study history. How we think, how we react to the occasions of daily life, the vocabulary we use in speaking of the past - are all legacies. To study the past may help us understand better how we came to be who we are.... By showing us that our lives are historically conditioned, we discover a certain freedom. We know that what is does not have to be this way."
Richard Marius of Harvard University in his A Short Guide to Writing about History (1995), p. 7.

"If you would understand anything, observe its beginning and its development."
Aristotle - 4th century B.C.

"The value of history is that it teaches us what humanity has done and thus what humanity is."
R.G. Collingwood (d. 1943) - Oxford University

"A country without a memory is a country of madmen."
George Santayana (d. 1952) - Harvard University

"History, therefore is vital to our human existence. To have no story is, almost, to have no life. People suffering from amnesia or Alzheimer's can live and function, but they live pitiable lives because they have lost contact with their own story. When societies and cultures lose contact with their own stories, they are also pitiable."
R. Wells, History Through the Eyes of Faith (Harper & Row) page 1.



It is for this reason I am glad I am a history major.

Guess who's back, back again....

I'm back. It's true. And I've created this blog so people back home (and in various other locations) can be kept at least sorta up to date on what goes on at this place.

I moved back to Multnomah on Thursday. My mom and sister were wonderful enough to come with me and help me with the transition. After I moved all my belongings into my room, I stopped by my boss's office to check in and to see where he'd want me this year. Last semester I cleaned White Hall, which was pretty much the best job ever. But alas, White Hall is no more, so I thought I'd settle with cleaning Memorial. Turns out, Joe had bigger and better plans for me. He offered me the position of Female Projects (it sounds weird, I know, but you just gotta know the custodial lingo). This means that I am assigned different projects by my boss, such as doing laundry, taking inventory, delivering supplies to the girls' dorm (hence, Female Projects), etc. This is a promotion! My pay was raised fifty cents, and my hours increased from 10.5, flexible, to 15, super-flexible! That's so freaking amazing. So I think for now I won't worry about getting a second job. Praise God!

I spent the first night at Margaux and Amanda's apartment because I wanted to check it out and to spend some time with them. I didn't see Amanda much, but it was nice to be with Margaux again.

In the morning I went home and Liz came over to see our room in total disarray. I think I spent the rest of the day just unpacking, and then I went to work. Oh, and I got my books. Or maybe that was on Thursday....

The next day, Saturday, Liz moved in. I was so glad to have her! I was getting a little stir-crazy in my room, all alone. I got to go out to eat with her family at the Olive Garden. We then came home and unpacked some more.

Sunday was freaking amazing because I finally got to go to church! I've been looking forward to this coming year simply because I want to spend some time settling into my church and getting to know people. I traveled on the MAX with Ashley. We sat down in the "Multnomah Section", the two or three pews where all the MBC kids sit together, and as we did, I said, "Yeay. The Multnomah Section. Yeay for not branching out and staying our comfort zones and not meeting new people. My favorite." Clearly this was sarcasm. So Ashley, intelligent as she is, says, "Let's move then." So we got up and sat in a place that was on the other side of the sanctuary in a pew that was presently unoccupied. I was very pleased. By the time the service started, Tawn and Rhys did come and sit next to us, but I did get to meet the couple that was sitting next to me. Although, I don't know if it can count, because I didn't bother to get to know them any farther than their names. Hmm... maybe I'll work on that next week.

After the service, Ashley and I walked to Taco Bell for lunch. I don't care too much for Taco Bell, but I always love hanging out with Ashley, because if you get her talking on a subject, she doesn't babble, but you always love hearing what she has to say, and it's usually a lot. To me she seems so confident in her views and that's really refreshing. After we were done at Taco Bell we walked back to church and started to set up for ministry.

My ministry this year is WellBeing. It's basically a food and fellowship time spent with people who are living with HIV/AIDS. I felt a little timid trying to get to know people, because I didn't want to be just awkwardly sitting there doing nothing, but at the same time I didn't want to seem not-genuine (I guess you could call that "fake"). It's a fine balance that I'm sure will come once I've been there more and am myself more comfortable. It did help to have Ash there. I also got to meet a girl from George Fox who is one of the chapter leaders in GF's Acting on AIDS. I was super glad to have the opportunity to talk to her and pick her brain. I'll definitely be emailing her and bothering her with dumb questions fairly soon.

Today was the first day of school, and I will say that it was painless. Wait, never mind, I did have blisters all over my feet after I got off work. But as far as classes go, I'm very satisfied. All my classes are back-to-back-to-back-back before lunchtime. I love it! I love that it all happens in the morning. In my opinion, no classes should take place after lunch. It's a sin. I like my profs, although one seems to like anecdotes more than theology, which will be tough to get through at eight in the morning three days a week. I mean, I'm not, at this point, looking forward to studying theology, because from what I've heard (and by that I mean everything my ex-boyfriend tried to relate to me last Fall and I was totally disinterested), it's pretty dense. But I'll take it because I have to. But if this prof of mine just meanders through class and doesn't get through all the material because he's telling stories about his tractor, I wonder if I'll ever be able to get into theology. I mean, I usually do warm up to the subjects I don't like.

Anyways, I worked hard today at work. I'm very grateful for that. Afterwards I went to the cafeteria to have a dorm section dinner, but most of the girls had finished and left by then. Still, I got to meet some of the girls I live in community with. Later, we went out to Karma Cafe and I got to meet some more of the girls in our section. I am really looking forward to getting to know them as the semester progresses.

So, the first few days at Nomah have, for the most part, been pretty uneventful.



Eleven days until Wildhorse!