September 22

I will be continuing my studies this fall at Green River Community College.  I look forward the classes I will take: Choir (finally!), Spanish (again, finally!), and Intro to Anatomy and Physiology.  Spanish I would like to take a full year of, and I'm only taking Intro to A&P because it is a prerequisite to take the two-quarter series of Anatomy and Physiology, so I think that this coming year I may only be taking the same three classes over again.  I guess I'm fine with that, I just hope I don't become too bored or restless.  There are many Spanish-speakers at my work, so I'm glad I'll have help there if I feel like practicing.  And my job is in healthcare, i.e. I take care of peoples' bodies, so that will help me apply what I am learning in A&P.  And choir, well choir's just a great outlet.

Good news!  I went to Kent Cornucopia Days on Saturday and I talked with a lady from the Kent Historical Society, and she said they need volunteers and that if I wanted to become a docent it would just involve a training session and then a commitment of once a month.  Can you believe it?!  I can be a docent!  I real-life docent, at a real-life museum, in a topic that is super-interesting to me!  Happy day, happy day!

Well, I must be off to work now.  I finally was able to buy new scrubs!  Have a nice day, Laura and Peter.

What I've Learned

So I feel that in the last few months I've learned lots, and it's all kind of come together in the last few days.  I mean, I've started to be able to synthesize them all and now I'm going to put them into words.

First, the most important thing I've learned is that I need to know what I want.  I need to be unafraid, bold enough to acknowledge what my heart is leaning towards.  I've been so afraid to say that I want certain things because I think that if I say them out loud, I am obligated to that statement for the rest of my life.  Here is an example from my childhood: When I was little I wanted to be a lot of things when I grew up.  A farmer, a ballerina, I wanted to live in China, serve in the military, everything.  And when I said those things out loud, my brothers decided to meld them all together and ask me how that would be at all possible.  A farmer in China who dances ballet and is in the Navy, or something like that.  They were ruthless, and they made me feel so stupid.  So since then I've just believed that you can only want one thing, or if you want more than one thing it has to all fit into one conceivable path so that all things fall together.  If you want to be a farmer, and you want to live in China, well then you clearly want to be a farmer in China.

Wtf?  That's bull.  I've now decided that it is perfectly fine for me to want things that don't align.  Really.  It is okay that I want different things and that right now I have no idea how they would all work out.  It doesn't matter.  I need to trust God, because He is the one who put these desires in my heart.  He put them there for a reason.  If they're meant to stick, they'll stick.  If they're meant to work out, they will.  But for now I don't need to worry about them all the time.  I need to focus on the here and now, because I may never have a future to live out all these wants of mine.  I must take the wants that I can have now, and have them!  I want to do this, I want to be that, well freaking do it Caroline!

Second thing I've learned... hm.  How do I put this?  I'm old.  But there's more.  I'm so young.  I guess I'm saying that I am happy with the age I'm at.  I'm happy for the twenty years I have under my belt; they were good years and I don't think I'd change a thing.  I'm excited about the future, though I cannot numerically quantify it.  I know it will be great, I just know it will.  It won't be easy, I know that for certain, but I am confident that the Lord has many great things in store for me.

I don't know if this suffices to show you all what my head has been bouncing around for the last week or two, but here it is.

I got in a car accident.

And I really don't want to talk about it. So please don't ask. But please, kids, don't text and drive.

I am in a play this summer. Kent's Icon Theatre (www.icontheatre.org) is doing Rogers and Hammerstein's "Oklahoma!" and I am a superdy-duperdy-awesome chorus member. I guess my name is Suzie, and I'm supposed to make myself a back story... more on that to come, I suppose. I'm having a great time, and I'm really glad to be a part of it. It's great to be singing again, let me tell you. But acting and dancing? Wow. Talk about two things with which I am not at all familiar. The acting is okay, since I'm pretty much in the background and just have to do some "shocked!" facials and blah blah blah like that. But dancing? Ha! I am honestly surprised I even got into the show because my dance audition was so horrible. But I'm working hard. Well, I'm working at least... "hard" is a relative term. Our poor choreographer, she must go home every night thinking absolutely wonderful thoughts about me (not). It's difficult. I'm not the most physically coordinated person, and when I have to perform something physically, it takes me a long time to learn it. And it seems that all the other girls have at least a little experience in dance (though some were probably born going from first position, to second, then back). I just feel so clumsy, but I don't want that to be an excuse... I really want to overcome that and do as best as I possibly can. It's making me have to focus really hard and pay attention, which, by the way, are two other things I am not fabulous at. I am easily discouraged, so I am constantly trying to pep myself up, even if it means telling myself I'm doing a great job but don't believe it.

Not much else going on. Oh yeah, new job. Well, I gotta get to rehearsal now, so I'll write more about that later.

Settling in, one box at a time.

I am still going through boxes from my move from Multnomah. I've put them off for so long, sitting there untouched, in the center of my room, just getting in the way. But now that it has been decided that I'm not going back to Multnomah, I realize that there are no longer any excuses. On the one hand it's nice to have the floor space in my room reclaimed. On the other hand, it's sinking in: I'm not going back.

There are layers to that statement.

Layer #1: Portland. My first experience really living in a city, and away from home. It was amazing. I honestly think of Portland as the ideal city. The public transportation, the general open-mindedness, the greenness, the beautiful mess that is Portland... there's no other city like it!

Layer #2: Multnomah, educationally. Never again will I be able to study the Word of God on such an academic level. This is a good thing and a bad thing. Good because I was using my classes as a crutch and not taking the study of God's Word on as my own. But bad... okay, sad, because a Bible college is such a unique and concentrated place to really dive in deep and learn things you wouldn't normally.

Layer #3: Multnomah, the community. I can say with maybe half-certainty that I will probably at some point in my life live in an all-Christian environment again. But even then, I know it will not be the same. If you've never been there, if you've never lived in the community of a Bible college smaller than your high school, then you'll never understand. It was a blessing. Yes, sometimes a curse (though I dislike that word in this context). I guess what was most amazing was the aspect of being there just long enough to be able to know everything about everyone, and being able to think you know them. Sometimes you were proven right, but it was such a thrill when you were proven wrong. I tell you, if you are living your life so that others can predict you, you have failed. I loved it when I would find out something new about a person, something that was way out of left field. It was refreshing.

Layer #4: People. Though there are definitely a few people I am glad to leave behind, I am so sad to not be just down the hall or just a short walk or even just across town from some amazing people. I cannot list them all, but I know in my heart the handful that meant the most to me. My three semesters' worth of relationships from Multnomah have certainly shaped me. I know so much more about myself now because of the people God put in my life. Looking back, I can't believe that some of these people were real... were they angels? There were many who literally saved my life. I believe in angels now, I do. And now that I've seen God's angels, I even more believe in God.

I sometimes question God's timing. Especially in relationships. Just when I am intimate enough with Donna to call her my *best* friend, just when I am confident enough to have friendships with men, just when I have shared so many all-nighters with Margaux and Dez (that I wouldn't trade for the world!), just when I have come to learn and enjoy little bits and pieces of Emily and Rachel's lives, just when I've begun to know the freshman who came after me, just when I feel safe enough to open up about what's in my heart, just when I feel that my multi-faceted dorm section is bonding... JUST WHEN all these things have come about, the Lord says leave.

It hurts. Sometimes a strong pain, other times a dull ache that I can push to the side. I want to let my pain overcome me, causing me to react to God in such an inquisitive way. Yelling, screaming, shouting, cursing. Questioning Him. But if I let my pain overcome me, if I let my emotions get the better of me, I will so easily forget the flip-side of the coin: God is good.

God is good. God is sovereign (i.e. He is right). God is love.

God knows what He's doing. I don't, but I've got to be okay with that. I've got to take each day as it comes, not demanding that God tell me the itinerary for the next several weeks. I've got to remain faithful to Him. Of all things the Lord can ask of me right now, I think that He most wants faithfulness.

I've never been very faithful. Not to Him. To the television, to my email, to myspace and facebook, shoot. I'm the best wife ever! Every day, several times a day, for long periods of time; all my time, love, and attention. But to God? Ha. Not really.

This is my task now. I must unpack Multnomah, and begin life here, now. My relationship with God, my marriage, if you will, is on the rocks, and it needs some serious work. I must not dwell on the past. I must dwell on my God.

Jesus, may I wake up tomorrow dwelling on you.

All I can do is keep breathing.

The storm is coming but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson

This is how I feel right now about life. There is so much going on around me, so many demands, so many heartaches to tend, so many needy hands, so many deadlines, so many obligations. Sometimes this world chokes me.

Can I just breathe? Can I please just breathe?

There's so much I want out of life, but I feel that if I were to get them I would sacrifice my life.

I want to teach, but first I must be a slave to the system that allows me to, and in doing so have the life (quantifiable, in years) and life (in spirit, desire, fervor) sucked out of me.

I want to write. That takes time, effort, and determination. Translation: I have to choose not to waste time on other things, also meaning I have to break habits that I've had for years.

The most evil of all conundrums: I want to make money so I can actually have some savings, but I need to be in school. I want to do really well in school, but it is difficult for me to do when I work, even at only part-time.

I want to care about the world around me, a world that is hurting and needs a savior. But I keep my head down, avoid eye-contact, and hurry on with my rushed day. A rushed day that doesn't necessarily produce any fruit, but I feel "good" knowing that I didn't "waste" any time.

Jesus, I want nothing more than to wake up tomorrow morning and breathe. If I must stay here on this Earth, just let me breathe. I have no objections to being taken away right now, but if I must stay, please just let me breathe. In... and out. In... and out. In... and out.

I just need to breathe.