(I Struggle With) Forward Motion

So, I really want to blog.  But, I really need to do a rather large amount of history homework.

Compromise: I will do history until 11, then blog before my newly-self-imposed bedtime of midnight.

Ciao.

*fin

In less than one hour, I will turn twenty-one years old.  Though I have looked forward to this passing for many years, as I sit here typing to you, I am scared shitless.

Okay, that was a dramatic statement.  Perhaps not scared shitless, but part of me feels like I am on the edge of a precipice; I am aware of my potential--and necessity--to do something big.  The only question is, will this big thing be for my betterment or for my demise?  At this moment I am aware that I am no longer capable of living a neutral life.  I am on either the extreme of surrendering myself to God or enslaving myself to my selfish desires.

I've talked a lot in the last year about growing up and not being a child anymore.  Talk, talk, talk.  I'm a big talker.  Now is the time to be a doer.  Perhaps this is where my initial statement of fear stems from.  I'm afraid of... not satisfying every teensy desire that crosses my mind, not living for myself, thinking things out a lot more than I'd like to... doing the hard work.  I suppose this exposes what an easily distracted, small, remiss person I am.  It's time to rise above that.

No, I can't do it on my own.  Lord, fill me with your Spirit, make me steadfast, and may I learn to love your Word.

This will be my first birthday spent away from my family.  Yes, I'm going home this weekend, but this is the first February 18 that I will not be in the loving arms of my mother, father, and siblings.  It's not that I feel alone, I just suddenly realize that this life is mine.  I moved to Portland to be my own independent person, and here I have it.  I finally got what I wanted.  Separation from my family.  I am left with a slightly raw feeling in my heart which causes me to examine what I am living for now that I can no longer live for my family.  The lens through which I now view the world is not dictated by Mom, Dad, my brothers, or my sisters.  I still love them, yes.  Perhaps too much--a sin of idolatry I have been guilty of for years.  I feel the Lord is now finally pulling that from me, allowing me to live a life completely my own... and yet, a life not meant for me.

And here I stand on this precipice.  This is the life of Caroline.  What does it stand for?  What does it witness?  Will it crumble, as a weak wall on a fault, or will it thrive, infecting the very air it touches?

Quick Update

1. Rachel Anna Dial is my best friend in the entire world.

2. As is Katherine Michelle Dial.

3. My housemates are awesome.

4. DeDe and I decided to put moving in together on hold indefinitely.  It's just not going to work out for either of us at the time.  Fortunately this decision was quite mutual so we're still friends!

5. The house I'm in now is now my permanent residence.  Yeay!  To celebrate this, Rachel and I went out on Saturday and bought bookshelves for my room.  They're wonderful.

6. Told you this would be a quick update.

Poor College Student Discovery #78-b

When the box of Rice-a-Roni says to let it cool for a minute before you shove it in your mouth, do so.

Poor College Student Discovery #78

I've been buying boxes of macaroni and cheese.  The good stuff (Kraft) is the yummiest, but I only buy it when it's on sale for a dollar.  The store brand is usually a dollar, but on sale it can go for $0.75.  It is certainly more filling than the Kraft stuff, but not as tasty.

And yes, Captain Obvious, these are in no way healthy for me.  But when you have no income and bills to pay, food is the first thing to get cut from your budget.

On Friday I was filling my basket with my usual macaroni and cheese (yes, seventy-five cents a box!), a red tag boasting "$1.00" caught my eyes.  I walked a few paces to the left of the macaroni and saw that it was Rice-a-Roni.  "Sweet.  This has more flavor variety than the usual mac, plus it's rice, so it's probably better than bleached starchy nutrientless store brand pasta."  Plus, it was a dollar.  My new gold standard on whether or not I am spending my money well is whether or not I can get a meal for a dollar.  I got five boxes, very satisfied with my purchase.

I made my Rice-a-Roni tonight.  It's a slightly longer process than mac-n-cheese, but it also involved no draining water.  Score.  When my delicious broccoli au gratin was done, I served it up into a dish.  What?  What's this I see?  There's still a ton in the skillet!  Can this be?  I just got two meals out of one box!  I actually put up leftovers!  Not only is it delicious, and healthy(er), but there's enough to make two meals.

I am so blessed to see how, around every corner, the Lord is just providing for me in ridiculous ways.  I can't even begin to count the ways He's provided, and the only appropriate response I can think of is to give Him thanks and to continue to trust Him.

Entertaining Angels

Well, now's as good a time as any to update the old bloggeroo.  You may be wondering one or more of the following: Where are you living?  Where are you working?  How is school?  I am still living with Rachel and Emily, and I'm settling in quite well.  I'll be here at least until the end of the month.  Deeds and I are still looking for a place, as her lease ran up on Jan. 31... I actually haven't talked to her since last week, so as far as I know she's keeping her stuff at a friend's place and couch surfing.  We're supposedly looking for sublets (read: no credit-check) on Craiglist.  Mom, please refrain from freaking out.  Or telling Dad.  Ha.  I'm not working.  I have dropped off over twenty applications and resumes to many employers.  I had two interviews yesterday that went really well.  One restaurant G.M. said he really liked me, was very impressed, and will put my application and resume at the top of the pile, signed by him... but they're not hiring until maybe March.  The other restaurant gave me two interviews, told me they're probably hiring soon, though they wouldn't be able to offer me too many hours.  I'm still waiting to hear from them; it sounded like they needed to decide if I would be a good hire.  I had another interview today at a clothing store; the store manager forgot to show up so his wife interviewed me.  I'll probably be called in again so he can do it for real.  Thanks for costing me the $2 bus fare.  Hello, unemployed?  The search ensues....  School is great.  I'm really enjoying my Spanish class at Portland Community College.  It's a nice sigh of relief to not be in a hyper-Christian environment.  I really love learning Spanish, and I really love the class I'm in, and I really really really love taking the bus a half-hour each way.  No, seriously.  My Multnomah class is going quite well.  I finished my first assigned reading and met with Dr. Scalberg yesterday.  I was pleased to find that he really enjoyed by review!  "Good review.  You captured the essence of the book's purpose.  Prof. Eccles would be pleased."  Wow, well, gee!  Thanks, mister!  My next reading is about the Indians.  In the library today, picking up the book, I got a little too interested in the topic and came home with eight extra books!  Hey, I can't help it that this incredibly interesting (and not to mention vital!) topic in our history was deprived of me growing up.  I am determined to shed the notions of Indians that were ingrained in me as a child; I must seek out the truth for myself.

Not much else to update you on, I suppose.  My birthday is in two weeks, and I will finally be 21.  Don't know what I'll do.  I have no money, so I should choose to go out with friends who will want to treat me, no?  Hehe.  The movie Coraline comes out this weekend, so maybe I'll go to a 21+ theatre on my birthday to see it.  The weekend after my birthday I am going home to be with family.  I need to see my godmother, who shares my birthday, and Laura and I want to go to the new Snoqualmie Casino, because neither of us have been to a casino.  I doubt either of our parents would give us even a $20 for fun money, and since neither of us have even the slightest to spare (seriously, an Americano is a once-a-week splurge), it's looking like we'll be there for the scenery.  And to say we went to the new Snoqualmie Casino, of course.  Bob Saget is performing that Saturday, and I really want to go, but again, no moolah.  Alas, it will still be a good birthday, just doing what Laura and I do best.

Wow, I just spent an entire paragraph talking about my birthday.  Somebody shoot me, please?