Sweet Caroline, On the Rocks

So perhaps I'm turning into my mother.

2009-12-12T00:04:00.000-08:00

I've bounced around a lot this year on my position on marriage. At some times I've felt very strongly that I do not want to get married, and at other times I've turned to goo at the thought of being the matriarch of Perfect American Nuclear Family. I guess I've thought a lot about it this year, and I can't say that I've necessarily reached a conclusion, but I certainly have learned a lot about myself.

For instance, I've learned that I am by nature a workaholic. I like to work. I really do. And sometimes I do it too often. I have a hard time saying no to extra shifts. Because I work so much, I don't have very much time spent at home, and when I am home, I don't want to do things I find trivial, such as housework, chores, cooking, homework, or spending time with my roommates. No, instead of those trivial things, I prefer to do things that certainly will last me a lifetime: check facebook, tweet, surf the web for music, lather, rinse, repeat.

Do you sense a problem here?

I'm working on it. Believe me. It's a struggle for me to actually make myself a meal, sit down, eat, and not rush off to work. Case in point: this video above. I worked tonight, picking up two extra shifts from a sick coworker (causing me to cancel plans with my roommates to make lamb shanks), and as I worked I thought of the yummy meal I wanted to make for myself when I got home. However, once home, all I wanted was to be fed and in bed. I didn't want to cook at all; I was too tired. So, I scrounged around for something tasty and ready to eat. (Let me tell you, it is annoying having no microwave... makes leftovers so much more difficult to figure out.) And I ended up with olives. A can of olives.

WHO THE HELL EATS A CAN OF OLIVES FOR DINNER?

I swear, I can't take care of myself. Which brings me back to my original thought, marriage. I think I need to get married because I need that constant reminder to take care of myself, and when I can't seem to manage that, I need someone to take care of me. My parents' kitchen has been and is to this day egalitarian: my mom and dad split dinner responsibilities fairly evenly. Both my parents work their asses off, so they're understanding of the other being too tired to cook. I so need that! There's this myth that women have to always cook. In the Watkins household, consider that myth busted. My mom worked just as hard as my dad, and there was never a gender/pride issue when it came to putting food on the table at dinnertime. (Especially with so many kids!)

Suppose that's another thing I've learned about myself: I, like my mother, am a career woman. I don't think I'll ever be content to be a housewife. Can't do it. I need to work. Even if I have a husband and five kids, I gotta work. (Haha especially if I have 5!) I guess that disqualifies me with at least half the single guys at my school, but I don't care. I briefly dated a guy at the beginning of the semester, and even though he said things to me like "I really respect your work ethic" I just couldn't believe him, because he was always complaining about being short on cash but very passive about seeking a job. What did he know about working 40 hours a week, including overnight shifts, while going to school? What did he know about rent and bills and groceries and budget and paychecks? Next to nothing. I just couldn't date him (well, for many other reasons as well) because there was no way he was going to connect with me on that level.

So here's my personals ad for Craigslist: SWF, HWP, workaholic, enjoys olives, ISO VGL, HWP, P, FS SM for LTR. (Oh the funny things you can find on the internet!) I'll let you know how that one turns out. Maybe I should swing back to my no-marriage-for-me stance.

The good news is, I'm only 21. I seriously don't need to have any answers at this point. Ideas, dreams, hopes, and reality checks are good enough for me for now. Enjoy the video. It's good to laugh at myself every once in a while.

For some reason they call it work.

2009-10-02T00:10:00.001-07:00

On Sunday, sitting in the pew, I couldn't focus on the words spoken or the songs sung. I could only think of one thing: my patients.

My job is unique. I'm paid to take care of peoples' physical needs. But the more and more I'm in this job, the more I know it's so much more than a job. It's humanity.

It's so easy to think that I just show up and do stuff for eight hours and go home. I don't. The stupid, tiny, seemingly inconsequential activities of my job are the lifeline for my patients. When done haphazardly, I not only degrade their quality of life, I degrade them as human beings. I degrade their souls.

Even though my patients are in the last part of their lives; even though their bodies are broken, ready to go to a final rest; even though the world has in some ways forgotten them, I am seeing the image of God in these individuals. I am seeing their souls.

We are not bodies, we are souls.

God has entrusted me the care of these souls. Though I know not where they will be going to after their bodies have died, I am entrusted the keeping of these souls.

It is a blessed burden.

I think my heart has grown, nay come alive. When not caring, when not serving, parts of my heart lie dormant and rot away. I genuinely love my patients. It's a difference that long-term care makes. Hospitals are in and out; not so at my home. I have relationship. I have, in some ways, community. I have memories. Memories with persons who struggle to keep their own memories.

The love I have for my patients overwhelms me. Like in church on Sunday. It was all I could do to just sit and write down ever single name of my patients. When I wrote their names it wasn't just to look at the letters associated with a face. Every stroke of my pen, scribing their names, was an act of love. I could not shake the intense love I feel for them.

I don't remember the songs we sang or the words from the elders. I remember loving my patients.

So I'm crazy you say? I don't care. I have experienced pure love from souls who are hours away from being with Jesus. Tell me when was the last time you had that.

My favorite patient. Her body is almost useless. She cannot live the life she once lived. Hell, she can't even talk. But she can love. When I look into her eyes, when she smiles her half-smile, when she touches my face, when she kisses my hand, my soul sings. I would forsake all the lovers of my youth for the affection of this woman. This decrepit, forgotten, dying woman. I will be happy when she is Home, but until then I will pour my heart out to love her soul.

87% of blogs are simply narcissisms. I'm definitely part of the majority.

2009-09-18T20:26:00.000-07:00

It's amazing to me that you can see so many people on a daily basis and get to the end of the week and are wiped out. Here it is Friday night, the third week of school, and I've declined several tempting offers to socialize. I'm quite content to sit here, surf the web for music downloads, upload some photos to facebook, and possibly watch a movie. I sound like a fuddy-duddy, no? Twenty-one years old and I'm as tired as my parents.

Let me paint a picture of my life at present, and perhaps you'll understand.

School has been beneficial. I started out the semester with 13 credits. I am now down to 6, and am okay with this. Yes, it is getting a little tiring, this conversation I have on an almost-daily basis: "Are you a new student?" "No, this is actually my fourth year." "Oh, are you a senior?" "No, I'm a sophomore and have no idea when I'll be a junior, let alone graduate." "What's your major?" "History." "What do you want to do with that?" "Graduate. Then go to nursing school." It seems like I'll never graduate sometimes. So I'm a little untraditional... so what? But I'm liking the two classes I'm taking, both in my majors. I'm glad I'm not taking four classes like I had originally planned, because I know I would have died.

Work. Is work. I'm at 32 hours a week. A blessing, yes, but probably the source of my near-constant fatigue. I've found that there's no such thing as an easy job. And when you think you're job is easy, you're probably not doing what you should be doing. It really comes down to making the decision, to do what you're supposed to do or be lazy and do whatever the flip you can get away with. It's so easy to take the lazy route, but I'm going to press on and do my job right. I just had my six month anniversary at my company yesterday. I'm pretty happy about that. My time at the facility I worked at last year lasted six and a half, so assuming I don't royally screw anything up too bad in the next couple weeks, I should outlive that job.

So there you have it. Work and school. They drain me. Plus, I feel that after a summer nearly void of any socialization with people my own age, going to school everyday and seeing everyone there for the last three weeks has been surprisingly exhausting. Almost as if I've oversocialized. I shall now resign to listening to music, downloading music, and writing songs that have been bouncing around inside my cranium.

An emo blog post with a bootleg vid of an indie chick. So Portland.

2009-08-18T10:17:00.000-07:00

I'm really tired. It's only 11:02 a.m. Oi....

This is what the next four months will be like: Work at night, go home, shower, go to school for several hours, go home, sleep, wake up, and start it all again. Since school is less than two weeks away now, I'm trying to stay up as late as I would on any given school day, to get myself used to it. Since today is a Tuesday, and I'll have class until 10 on Tuesdays, I am just about to go to bed. Boy am I tired! This will be difficult, but I know the LORD with sustain me through this.

In addition to tired, I'm also feeling melancholy today. Last week someone died. I'm handling this better than I thought I'd be, but I'm still feeling emotions I didn't know I had. On Sunday I found out that the boy I in some ways consider to be my first love is engaged. To the girl that he chose over me when we were seventeen. I'm happy for them, I really am. Reading the engagement story she posted on facebook was painful for me, but necessary. It really showed me that we weren't meant to be. Still, I think back fondly to that cheesy high school dance and how I thought he was all I needed. I've grown so much since then, I'm so much stronger, and it's hard to believe I ever felt that way. Praise God for the things He has done in my life to show me how my life was meant to be so much different than I envisioned it at seventeen!

So I now resign to be for the "night" feeling tired and melancholy, and I will pray the LORD will take my mind off these things and allow me to focus on school. Two weeks of summer left, but I'm trying to cram it with homework. I really don't want to fall behind this semester... and getting As would be great too.

I should tell you that you were my first love.

Relapse

2009-08-09T16:22:00.000-07:00

I used to shop as a way of coping with stress. I hate to admit, I did it a little bit today. Mind you, I bought things I needed (mostly), but when all is bought and brought home, those stressors are still there. Buying the kitchen stuff and backpack and porch table did not change my circumstances.

And now, an explanation for my absence. (Not that I owe it to anyone... I have a life, yo!) My last post was March 14. On March 9 I had two job interviews, one of which landed me a job almost immediately. On March 17 I was officially hired at an assisted living facility in Southeast Portland, specifically working in the Alzheimer's unit as a caregiver. No, it's not a CNA position, but at that point I knew I had to take it; I had no other choice, and I'm not that dense to not see it was straight from God! I started out doing two swing shifts and one noc (that is, night, or graveyard) shift a week. On April 15 (less than one month!) I was offered to train as a med aide, which was a promotion of sorts. I trained as a med aide on the noc shift, and for a while only worked on med aide shift every once in a while, then once a week, then filling in for some vacancies, and at the beginning of July (well, when I got back from California) I was finally given a set full-time schedule. I work the same four nights a week, with weekends free to boot! Also, after being there three months I became eligible for health and dental insurance. My mom is so proud of me for that! Haha. It's almost $50 out of every paycheck... oi!

The LORD has greatly blessed me. His Providence is astonishing, never ceasing to amaze me. He has shown me this year that He will always give me exactly what I need, exactly when I need it, and will always enable me to do exactly what He wants me to do. I've been so stinkin' blessed with a wonderful church family, especially in my cell group, and other friends in Portland who lift me up and demonstrate to me that I am not alone.

Also, I moved. I was so blessed to live with some friends from Multnomah when I first moved to Portland. They really helped me out, giving me a place to live, charging me a very small amount for rent, and encouraging me as I worked on getting myself established in Portland. After a few months, some of my own feelings of my living situation coincided with an invitation from two friends from my cell group to move in with them. I knew almost right away that it was right move. It was actually only three houses down the street! I'm very, very, very, very, very happy in my new house. My housemates are great, and I know it's what's best for me. The LORD provides! God is good all the time! All the time, God is good!

I went to California in July, but that's a post for another day. I'm currently listening to Taylor Swift, my summer obsession. I'm going to take a nap before work tonight. Have a good day, o three readers, you!

Writing

2009-03-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

I believe I'm a good writer--when inspiration strikes. When the proper inspiration has appeared, I have written poems, essays, short stories, emails, and blog posts that really satisfy me. Even in homework assignments, I've written some good stuff.

Maybe you don't agree. Well, I really don't care. My writing makes me happy. And I know it makes God happy. Beyond that I seek to please no one.

I pray I may keep that tenacity this fall. I will be taking Multnomah's most difficult and stressful class, Advanced Writing with Professor Pothen. I can't decide what intimidates me more: the on-average 10-15 page paper, or the professor. The prompt of the paper is simply this: Write about that which you can't not write. I've been thinking about this prompt for the last two months. I don't want to force a topic, because I know it will show. I will do my best writing if I indeed follow the prompt. But what can I not not write about?

I'll examine what I have written about. This surely should show me what matters enough to me to write down my thoughts. Much of my blog has been devoted to updating the reader on the goings-on of my life. La-dee-dah, not writing my Pothen paper of the bildungsroman I have been witness to. (Well, I'm sure that whatever topic I choose will have something to do with some life experiences.) Other posts have regarded my experiences with depression and a myriad of issues that accompany it. I sometimes feel I could write ten papers on such issues! I remember a particular blog I wrote in December of 2005, my senior year of high school. I was expressing my disgruntlement with the commercialization of Christmas. Then I got on the subject, somehow, of how Christians just pay lip service and really don't mean anything we profess with our lips, because our actions don't match. It was actually a milestone in the development of my faith. It was probably the first time I examined the Church and came to a conclusion that was not rosy.

There is an ever-dynamic list of possible topics. They will most certainly be vomited onto this blog.

I'm in a hyper-linking kind of mood.

2009-03-13T21:21:00.000-07:00

My friend Brandon reminded me today that I am behind in blogging. I've got some good blogs knocking around in this brain of mine. Perhaps it is time to spill some of that bloggy goodness out.

Yesterday I made PostSecrets. They turned out quite well, and today I sent them! This was exciting, because though I have made one before I've never sent one. Yeay!

Today I spent the day with a new-ish friend Anna. We both went to Multnomah together my freshman year before she transferred to Azusa Pacific in Los Angeles. But actually, we never really ever talked at all when we were at Multnomah together. My only memory of Anna is this: She wore a really kick-ass Sleeping Beauty shirt. I really liked it, and thought to myself "I need to be friend with this girl, simply so I can borrow that shirt." Seriously, she wore it a lot, and every time she did, I had this thought. After a while, I did start to feel guilty; I mean, use someone for a stinkin' t-shirt? Yeah. Anyway, we never talked that year. At some point we became friends on facebook. The irony is that our friendship stemmed from facebook. We talked back and forth a bit, and now have hung out twice since I moved back to Portland. So, it was nice to spend time with my new-ish friend Anna, and I look forward to seeing where this friendship goes.

After Anna and I crashed Zichterman's Hebrews through Revelation class, we sat outside to enjoy the rare Portland sunshine (that Anna totally brought with her from L.A.). Our friend Brandon approached us and our conversation turned to blogs (a favorite topic, as we all are bloggers) and B$ (that's B-money for your uneducated folk) caused me to remember my lack of updates. I told him that I've got approximately three blogs that I'm mentally working on.

Then Anna and I went to Burgerville and got the most delicious Rosemary Shoestring Potatoes (yum!) and shakes. Throughout the day I was taking pictures with my Canon AE-1, and I look forward to how they turn out. I got a lot of people shots. I like taking advantage of our sunny days because I really don't know much about light.

That's about all I did today. I like being on Spring Break. Now I'll try to systematize my thoughts for future blogs.

(I Struggle With) Forward Motion

2009-02-26T20:06:00.000-08:00

So, I really want to blog. But, I really need to do a rather large amount of history homework.

Compromise: I will do history until 11, then blog before my newly-self-imposed bedtime of midnight.

Ciao.

*fin

2009-02-17T23:08:00.000-08:00

In less than one hour, I will turn twenty-one years old. Though I have looked forward to this passing for many years, as I sit here typing to you, I am scared shitless.

Okay, that was a dramatic statement. Perhaps not scared shitless, but part of me feels like I am on the edge of a precipice; I am aware of my potential--and necessity--to do something big. The only question is, will this big thing be for my betterment or for my demise? At this moment I am aware that I am no longer capable of living a neutral life. I am on either the extreme of surrendering myself to God or enslaving myself to my selfish desires.

I've talked a lot in the last year about growing up and not being a child anymore. Talk, talk, talk. I'm a big talker. Now is the time to be a doer. Perhaps this is where my initial statement of fear stems from. I'm afraid of... not satisfying every teensy desire that crosses my mind, not living for myself, thinking things out a lot more than I'd like to... doing the hard work. I suppose this exposes what an easily distracted, small, remiss person I am. It's time to rise above that.

No, I can't do it on my own. Lord, fill me with your Spirit, make me steadfast, and may I learn to love your Word.

This will be my first birthday spent away from my family. Yes, I'm going home this weekend, but this is the first February 18 that I will not be in the loving arms of my mother, father, and siblings. It's not that I feel alone, I just suddenly realize that this life is mine. I moved to Portland to be my own independent person, and here I have it. I finally got what I wanted. Separation from my family. I am left with a slightly raw feeling in my heart which causes me to examine what I am living for now that I can no longer live for my family. The lens through which I now view the world is not dictated by Mom, Dad, my brothers, or my sisters. I still love them, yes. Perhaps too much--a sin of idolatry I have been guilty of for years. I feel the Lord is now finally pulling that from me, allowing me to live a life completely my own... and yet, a life not meant for me.

And here I stand on this precipice. This is the life of Caroline. What does it stand for? What does it witness? Will it crumble, as a weak wall on a fault, or will it thrive, infecting the very air it touches?

Quick Update

2009-02-16T18:31:00.000-08:00

1. Rachel Anna Dial is my best friend in the entire world.

2. As is Katherine Michelle Dial.

3. My housemates are awesome.

4. DeDe and I decided to put moving in together on hold indefinitely. It's just not going to work out for either of us at the time. Fortunately this decision was quite mutual so we're still friends!

5. The house I'm in now is now my permanent residence. Yeay! To celebrate this, Rachel and I went out on Saturday and bought bookshelves for my room. They're wonderful.

6. Told you this would be a quick update.

Poor College Student Discovery #78-b

2009-02-09T16:44:00.000-08:00

When the box of Rice-a-Roni says to let it cool for a minute before you shove it in your mouth, do so.

Poor College Student Discovery #78

2009-02-08T23:16:00.000-08:00

I've been buying boxes of macaroni and cheese. The good stuff (Kraft) is the yummiest, but I only buy it when it's on sale for a dollar. The store brand is usually a dollar, but on sale it can go for $0.75. It is certainly more filling than the Kraft stuff, but not as tasty.

And yes, Captain Obvious, these are in no way healthy for me. But when you have no income and bills to pay, food is the first thing to get cut from your budget.

On Friday I was filling my basket with my usual macaroni and cheese (yes, seventy-five cents a box!), a red tag boasting "$1.00" caught my eyes. I walked a few paces to the left of the macaroni and saw that it was Rice-a-Roni. "Sweet. This has more flavor variety than the usual mac, plus it's rice, so it's probably better than bleached starchy nutrientless store brand pasta." Plus, it was a dollar. My new gold standard on whether or not I am spending my money well is whether or not I can get a meal for a dollar. I got five boxes, very satisfied with my purchase.

I made my Rice-a-Roni tonight. It's a slightly longer process than mac-n-cheese, but it also involved no draining water. Score. When my delicious broccoli au gratin was done, I served it up into a dish. What? What's this I see? There's still a ton in the skillet! Can this be? I just got two meals out of one box! I actually put up leftovers! Not only is it delicious, and healthy(er), but there's enough to make two meals.

I am so blessed to see how, around every corner, the Lord is just providing for me in ridiculous ways. I can't even begin to count the ways He's provided, and the only appropriate response I can think of is to give Him thanks and to continue to trust Him.

Entertaining Angels

2009-02-04T20:01:00.000-08:00

Well, now's as good a time as any to update the old bloggeroo. You may be wondering one or more of the following: Where are you living? Where are you working? How is school? I am still living with Rachel and Emily, and I'm settling in quite well. I'll be here at least until the end of the month. Deeds and I are still looking for a place, as her lease ran up on Jan. 31... I actually haven't talked to her since last week, so as far as I know she's keeping her stuff at a friend's place and couch surfing. We're supposedly looking for sublets (read: no credit-check) on Craiglist. Mom, please refrain from freaking out. Or telling Dad. Ha. I'm not working. I have dropped off over twenty applications and resumes to many employers. I had two interviews yesterday that went really well. One restaurant G.M. said he really liked me, was very impressed, and will put my application and resume at the top of the pile, signed by him... but they're not hiring until maybe March. The other restaurant gave me two interviews, told me they're probably hiring soon, though they wouldn't be able to offer me too many hours. I'm still waiting to hear from them; it sounded like they needed to decide if I would be a good hire. I had another interview today at a clothing store; the store manager forgot to show up so his wife interviewed me. I'll probably be called in again so he can do it for real. Thanks for costing me the $2 bus fare. Hello, unemployed? The search ensues.... School is great. I'm really enjoying my Spanish class at Portland Community College. It's a nice sigh of relief to not be in a hyper-Christian environment. I really love learning Spanish, and I really love the class I'm in, and I really really really love taking the bus a half-hour each way. No, seriously. My Multnomah class is going quite well. I finished my first assigned reading and met with Dr. Scalberg yesterday. I was pleased to find that he really enjoyed by review! "Good review. You captured the essence of the book's purpose. Prof. Eccles would be pleased." Wow, well, gee! Thanks, mister! My next reading is about the Indians. In the library today, picking up the book, I got a little too interested in the topic and came home with eight extra books! Hey, I can't help it that this incredibly interesting (and not to mention vital!) topic in our history was deprived of me growing up. I am determined to shed the notions of Indians that were ingrained in me as a child; I must seek out the truth for myself.

Not much else to update you on, I suppose. My birthday is in two weeks, and I will finally be 21. Don't know what I'll do. I have no money, so I should choose to go out with friends who will want to treat me, no? Hehe. The movie Coraline comes out this weekend, so maybe I'll go to a 21+ theatre on my birthday to see it. The weekend after my birthday I am going home to be with family. I need to see my godmother, who shares my birthday, and Laura and I want to go to the new Snoqualmie Casino, because neither of us have been to a casino. I doubt either of our parents would give us even a $20 for fun money, and since neither of us have even the slightest to spare (seriously, an Americano is a once-a-week splurge), it's looking like we'll be there for the scenery. And to say we went to the new Snoqualmie Casino, of course. Bob Saget is performing that Saturday, and I really want to go, but again, no moolah. Alas, it will still be a good birthday, just doing what Laura and I do best.

Wow, I just spent an entire paragraph talking about my birthday. Somebody shoot me, please?

Per Tradition

2009-01-07T22:21:00.001-08:00

Not the prettiest picture(s) of me, but Momma dictates a picture of me on the first day of school. Always. Who am I to say no to Momma?

Also, I've been listening to Garth Brooks today.

DeDe and I went today to put in our application for the apartment at Kateri Park I wrote about yesterday, and someone applied before us, and they wouldn't have another unit available for another month. Awesome. So tomorrow, we are getting up at the "butt-crack of dawn... like, 11:00" (DeDe's words) to go to apartments all day. Also awesome. By the way, when I'm saying "awesome" I really mean "not awesome".

I'm clearly not going to get through all my mountains of paperwork to get a CNA 1 Endorsement in Oregon before, I dunno, my money runs out, so I've decided that tomorrow will also be a day for me to apply for jobs as well as apartments. For some reason Target keeps on popping into my head. I don't know why, but what the heck, why not? It may just come down to picking a street and going door-to-door asking for applications. I'll take almost anything at this point.

Spent the evening with an old friend. We read, talked, shared stories, and made delicious tuna sandwiches.

That's about all for now.

A Quick Update

2009-01-06T22:28:00.000-08:00

I'm sick. Cold, probably.

This morning I got up at 5:30 to go to the bathroom and blacked out, waking up with my face on the bathroom floor.

I'm not yet registered for class at PCC, even though the quarter began yesterday. This is because I only want to take Spanish 102, but PCC has not yet received my Green River transcript, indicating I have taken the prerequisite Spanish 101. I'm going to go to class tomorrow anyway and explain the situation to the teacher, and tell him that I'll register as soon as I'm able. It probably doesn't help that I didn't go to the class on Monday (it's a Monday Wednesday class) because I was sick. Okay, so I'll be a little behind.

I'm unemployed. This needs to change.

Dede and I went to look at some apartments today. We found one that we're going to apply for tomorrow. Funny enough, it's right next to Kateri Park. Kateri Park is an apartment complex that serves as a refugee resettlement program through Catholic Charities. This is where I volunteered for a semester back in freshman year for a student ministry requirement. The funny thing is, I had been praying and asking the Lord if I should go back there and do more work there. If I were to move into this apartment, it would be impossible to not be a part of the Kateri Park community!

Other than that, nothing too new.

Sick. Unemployed. Unschooled. These things need to change.

Bookshelf = Window

2009-01-03T23:30:00.000-08:00

I've made it to Portland! I'm in my basement bedroom, or Bat Cave, as Rachel calls it. My furniture consists of the dresser I brought down, a desk that I'm borrowing from the house, a borrowed lamp, and a borrowed mattress. (The borrowed elements will not follow me to the new apartment... Craigslist much?)

I don't have a digital camera to give you an instant view of my place. But I will describe to you the books on my desk. I was not able to bring all of my books, as I desired, so I grabbed the ones I knew I'd want that would fit into a large canvas tote.

Hymnal

The American People (history text from Spring quarter at Green River)

Dangerous Surrender by Kay Warren (DON'T you dare prejudge and think that since she's from a megachurch and that her husband is Rick Warren that it's just a fluff book. I heard her speak at Urbana '06 on this topic and it was powerful.)

The Jesus I Never Knew by Philip Yancey

Hebrew Grammar by Weingreen (I want to brush up on it before I retake it in the Fall... I really do not want to fail!)

The Declaration of Independence and Other Great Documents of American History (yes I am that nerdy)

Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper

Sex, Economy, Freedom & Community by Wendell Berry

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine

The Shack by William P. Young

The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne (which reminds me, I need to get books by Jim Wallace)

The Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan

Get Happy: The Life of Judy Garland by Gerald Clarke (Christmas gift from Ian... I'm enjoying it, though it is depressing at times)

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer (sister is making me, plus I felt the movie, though strong in plot, lacked in character development, which I have heard will be present in the book)

Systematic Theology by Wayne Grudhem

On top of the books is propped a Scripture I collaged a year ago: 2 Corinthians 10:3-6 Beside the books is my photo album from my trip to Washington, D.C. in March, and next to that is a small stack of magazines. I feel naked without magazines! But score, I got new issues of my three favorite (Relevant, Smithsonian, and Real Simple) right before I left.

On the wall in front of my desk are two calendars. One is a Grey's Anatomy calendar from my sister. The other is in Spanish and is from a Catholic cemetery. I love it because it's all in Spanish and every day list which saint's day it is, plus there is Scripture thrown in all over. It's awesome.

I took a picture of me on my computer this morning before I left for a wedding. Again, I can't figure out how to position the photo. Agh.

Only Crazy People Fall In Love With Me

2008-12-28T02:47:00.000-08:00

Bank robbers and killers, drunks and drug dealers. Only crazy people fall in love with me.

Ah, The Wreckers. Good song.

I don't really remember where I left off with updating y'alls. I know I haven't written in two months. Yikes. Well, the latest news is that I'm moving back to Portland on Friday. Yeay! I'm very excited about it, but also a little bit freaked out. Part of me still feels like this is just a visit; it has not yet sunk in that I'm moving. It will sink in soon enough, though. I've still got a lot to pack, plus I need to figure out how I'm going to get it all down. Also, it should be noted that I'm not even moving into my own place right away. I'll be living in my friends' basement for a couple weeks, then DeDe (another friend) and I will move into an apartment on about the 15th. It should also be noted that DeDe and I do not have said apartment even picked out yet. We will be on the hunt the next week.

Furthermore, I want you all to know, I will be moving down to Portland... unemployed. That's right: I don't yet have a job lined up. Whew, I've got a lot to do!

But on the bright side, my friends Desiree and Kyle are getting married on Saturday. And on Sunday I will be back at The Well.

Thats all for now. More soon.

Saints Stephen

2008-10-16T02:12:00.000-07:00

It has been quite the week. Last weekend Laura and I went to see anberlin play at El Corazon in Seattle. I would have to say it's my first real rock show. It wasn't my first show at a small venue (I saw Matt Kearny at the Crystal Ballroom two years ago), but it was my first rock show at a small venue. I've decided I love it. So much, in fact, that I'm going to go see The Classic Crime next month at the Showbox. I'm really excited. Anyways, for the anberlin show the Dial girls came up from Portland, so it was really good to see them again. As I have returned to facebook, I have found that it is just as easy to estrange yourself from those close to you as it is to be closer to those far away... that being said, it was nice to talk about anberlin over facebook with an acquaintance from Multnomah. It's nice to like something, such as anberlin, and to have someone to talk about it with. Anyways, this guy I was talking to asked if I knew that Stephen Christian has a blog, which I did. Then he shared with me this entry that explains why Christian wrote Dismantle Repair... sorta. Read it, it's a good entry. Then read the lyrics to Dismantle Repair. I'm still trying to wrap my head--and heart--around the meaning, but I think it will unfold slowly.

Fast forward a couple days, I'm at work one night and I'm reading my Bible. A rarity, I know, but I have been trying to get through the book of Acts. It's basically a history of the Church from its birth. So when I was reading a few nights ago I got to chapter 7. What's gone on so far is the Church growing and growing in Jerusalem under the leadership of the apostles. They kinda piss some people off, but are still seen as kinda harmless-ish. When we get to chapter 7, Stephen, one of the apostles (and the one whom Christ named Stephen, which means rock, proclaiming "on you I will build my church"), has been brought before the Sanhedrin to be accused of blasphemy. Well, the Sanhedrin (the leadership of the Jews) was full of crap. They couldn't catch him in anything so they had to produce false witnesses. And even when they were slinging all this mud at him, his face was still like that of an angel. The chapter begins with Stephen's speech to the Sanhedrin. It's pretty long, but that's because he gives the entire history of their people. After fifty verses, he then calls them out of their hypocrisy: "You stiff-necked people! Your hearts and your ears are still uncircumcised. You are just like your ancestors: You always resist the Holy Spirit!" He ends up having a theophany right before they stone him, overseen by Saul, making him the protomartyr of Christianity and later making him Saint Stephen the Martyr.

What does one Stephen have to do with the other? I want to be both of them.

Stephen the Martyr was a leader, "a man full of God's grace and power". He was rock solid. He knew who Jesus was and found his identity in Him. He was intelligent; when speaking to the religious authority, he proved that he knew just as much as they did, and yet he understood Jesus' message while it fell on their deaf ears. So badass.

Stephen the Artist is transparent. Painfully transparent. Vulnerable, honest, aware of his humanity. Can I speak like that? Can I write like that? Can I tell the whole world that which is only mine to know? Can I put myself out there so far, knowing full well that I will be hurt, but know that I will life the most beautiful life?

I don't know if one Stephen has very much to do at all with the other. But I want to be both.

These stories don't mean anything when you've got no one to tell them to.

2008-10-04T21:49:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Brandi.

Once again, I must apologize for allowing so much time to pass without posting. My last post was one looking forward to the start of school. Well, school has started. One difference from the last post is that I decided not to take choir. It's a decision that was a bit like a root canal: painful, but necessary. I knew that if I were to take choir, I'd put my all into it. Actually, not my all; more than my all. I'd put in everything I'd have, including time and energy that should be spent on other classes. I knew that I'd allow choir to become my main, and eventually, only, focus. I couldn't risk my success in the other classes for the enjoyment I get from choir.

Since July, much has happened. I was in a Icon Theatre's production of Oklahoma! For some reason, I can't figure out how to put the picture anywhere else but at the top of the post, so forgive me if this seems a bit out of sorts. Anyways, the play was great and I had a ton of fun.

The week after the play ended, I went to camp with the high schoolers from my church. Once again, too stupid to figure out the pictures, so they're at the top.

On August 16, 2008, our family grew. By about 20 people. That's right, my brother Ian married Kaitlin Hetland, bringing together two very big and very crazy families. The week of the wedding was incredibly stressful, but it was still lots of fun to spend time with all of our families all together. I really feel like I gained not just Kaitlin as a sister-in-law but all of her family as well. Yeaaaay family!

After that nothing too exciting happened this summer. And then school started. And here we are now. Sorry about the photos.

September 22

2008-07-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

I will be continuing my studies this fall at Green River Community College. I look forward the classes I will take: Choir (finally!), Spanish (again, finally!), and Intro to Anatomy and Physiology. Spanish I would like to take a full year of, and I'm only taking Intro to A&P because it is a prerequisite to take the two-quarter series of Anatomy and Physiology, so I think that this coming year I may only be taking the same three classes over again. I guess I'm fine with that, I just hope I don't become too bored or restless. There are many Spanish-speakers at my work, so I'm glad I'll have help there if I feel like practicing. And my job is in healthcare, i.e. I take care of peoples' bodies, so that will help me apply what I am learning in A&P. And choir, well choir's just a great outlet.

Good news! I went to Kent Cornucopia Days on Saturday and I talked with a lady from the Kent Historical Society, and she said they need volunteers and that if I wanted to become a docent it would just involve a training session and then a commitment of once a month. Can you believe it?! I can be a docent! I real-life docent, at a real-life museum, in a topic that is super-interesting to me! Happy day, happy day!

Well, I must be off to work now. I finally was able to buy new scrubs! Have a nice day, Laura and Peter.

What I've Learned

2008-07-07T21:46:00.000-07:00

So I feel that in the last few months I've learned lots, and it's all kind of come together in the last few days. I mean, I've started to be able to synthesize them all and now I'm going to put them into words.

First, the most important thing I've learned is that I need to know what I want. I need to be unafraid, bold enough to acknowledge what my heart is leaning towards. I've been so afraid to say that I want certain things because I think that if I say them out loud, I am obligated to that statement for the rest of my life. Here is an example from my childhood: When I was little I wanted to be a lot of things when I grew up. A farmer, a ballerina, I wanted to live in China, serve in the military, everything. And when I said those things out loud, my brothers decided to meld them all together and ask me how that would be at all possible. A farmer in China who dances ballet and is in the Navy, or something like that. They were ruthless, and they made me feel so stupid. So since then I've just believed that you can only want one thing, or if you want more than one thing it has to all fit into one conceivable path so that all things fall together. If you want to be a farmer, and you want to live in China, well then you clearly want to be a farmer in China.

Wtf? That's bull. I've now decided that it is perfectly fine for me to want things that don't align. Really. It is okay that I want different things and that right now I have no idea how they would all work out. It doesn't matter. I need to trust God, because He is the one who put these desires in my heart. He put them there for a reason. If they're meant to stick, they'll stick. If they're meant to work out, they will. But for now I don't need to worry about them all the time. I need to focus on the here and now, because I may never have a future to live out all these wants of mine. I must take the wants that I can have now, and have them! I want to do this, I want to be that, well freaking do it Caroline!

Second thing I've learned... hm. How do I put this? I'm old. But there's more. I'm so young. I guess I'm saying that I am happy with the age I'm at. I'm happy for the twenty years I have under my belt; they were good years and I don't think I'd change a thing. I'm excited about the future, though I cannot numerically quantify it. I know it will be great, I just know it will. It won't be easy, I know that for certain, but I am confident that the Lord has many great things in store for me.

I don't know if this suffices to show you all what my head has been bouncing around for the last week or two, but here it is.

I got in a car accident.

2008-07-01T17:10:00.000-07:00

And I really don't want to talk about it. So please don't ask. But please, kids, don't text and drive.

I am in a play this summer. Kent's Icon Theatre (www.icontheatre.org) is doing Rogers and Hammerstein's "Oklahoma!" and I am a superdy-duperdy-awesome chorus member. I guess my name is Suzie, and I'm supposed to make myself a back story... more on that to come, I suppose. I'm having a great time, and I'm really glad to be a part of it. It's great to be singing again, let me tell you. But acting and dancing? Wow. Talk about two things with which I am not at all familiar. The acting is okay, since I'm pretty much in the background and just have to do some "shocked!" facials and blah blah blah like that. But dancing? Ha! I am honestly surprised I even got into the show because my dance audition was so horrible. But I'm working hard. Well, I'm working at least... "hard" is a relative term. Our poor choreographer, she must go home every night thinking absolutely wonderful thoughts about me (not). It's difficult. I'm not the most physically coordinated person, and when I have to perform something physically, it takes me a long time to learn it. And it seems that all the other girls have at least a little experience in dance (though some were probably born going from first position, to second, then back). I just feel so clumsy, but I don't want that to be an excuse... I really want to overcome that and do as best as I possibly can. It's making me have to focus really hard and pay attention, which, by the way, are two other things I am not fabulous at. I am easily discouraged, so I am constantly trying to pep myself up, even if it means telling myself I'm doing a great job but don't believe it.

Not much else going on. Oh yeah, new job. Well, I gotta get to rehearsal now, so I'll write more about that later.

Settling in, one box at a time.

2008-06-08T21:17:00.001-07:00

I am still going through boxes from my move from Multnomah. I've put them off for so long, sitting there untouched, in the center of my room, just getting in the way. But now that it has been decided that I'm not going back to Multnomah, I realize that there are no longer any excuses. On the one hand it's nice to have the floor space in my room reclaimed. On the other hand, it's sinking in: I'm not going back.

There are layers to that statement.

Layer #1: Portland. My first experience really living in a city, and away from home. It was amazing. I honestly think of Portland as the ideal city. The public transportation, the general open-mindedness, the greenness, the beautiful mess that is Portland... there's no other city like it!

Layer #2: Multnomah, educationally. Never again will I be able to study the Word of God on such an academic level. This is a good thing and a bad thing. Good because I was using my classes as a crutch and not taking the study of God's Word on as my own. But bad... okay, sad, because a Bible college is such a unique and concentrated place to really dive in deep and learn things you wouldn't normally.

Layer #3: Multnomah, the community. I can say with maybe half-certainty that I will probably at some point in my life live in an all-Christian environment again. But even then, I know it will not be the same. If you've never been there, if you've never lived in the community of a Bible college smaller than your high school, then you'll never understand. It was a blessing. Yes, sometimes a curse (though I dislike that word in this context). I guess what was most amazing was the aspect of being there just long enough to be able to know everything about everyone, and being able to think you know them. Sometimes you were proven right, but it was such a thrill when you were proven wrong. I tell you, if you are living your life so that others can predict you, you have failed. I loved it when I would find out something new about a person, something that was way out of left field. It was refreshing.

Layer #4: People. Though there are definitely a few people I am glad to leave behind, I am so sad to not be just down the hall or just a short walk or even just across town from some amazing people. I cannot list them all, but I know in my heart the handful that meant the most to me. My three semesters' worth of relationships from Multnomah have certainly shaped me. I know so much more about myself now because of the people God put in my life. Looking back, I can't believe that some of these people were real... were they angels? There were many who literally saved my life. I believe in angels now, I do. And now that I've seen God's angels, I even more believe in God.

I sometimes question God's timing. Especially in relationships. Just when I am intimate enough with Donna to call her my *best* friend, just when I am confident enough to have friendships with men, just when I have shared so many all-nighters with Margaux and Dez (that I wouldn't trade for the world!), just when I have come to learn and enjoy little bits and pieces of Emily and Rachel's lives, just when I've begun to know the freshman who came after me, just when I feel safe enough to open up about what's in my heart, just when I feel that my multi-faceted dorm section is bonding... JUST WHEN all these things have come about, the Lord says leave.

It hurts. Sometimes a strong pain, other times a dull ache that I can push to the side. I want to let my pain overcome me, causing me to react to God in such an inquisitive way. Yelling, screaming, shouting, cursing. Questioning Him. But if I let my pain overcome me, if I let my emotions get the better of me, I will so easily forget the flip-side of the coin: God is good.

God is good. God is sovereign (i.e. He is right). God is love.

God knows what He's doing. I don't, but I've got to be okay with that. I've got to take each day as it comes, not demanding that God tell me the itinerary for the next several weeks. I've got to remain faithful to Him. Of all things the Lord can ask of me right now, I think that He most wants faithfulness.

I've never been very faithful. Not to Him. To the television, to my email, to myspace and facebook, shoot. I'm the best wife ever! Every day, several times a day, for long periods of time; all my time, love, and attention. But to God? Ha. Not really.

This is my task now. I must unpack Multnomah, and begin life here, now. My relationship with God, my marriage, if you will, is on the rocks, and it needs some serious work. I must not dwell on the past. I must dwell on my God.

Jesus, may I wake up tomorrow dwelling on you.

All I can do is keep breathing.

2008-06-07T00:32:00.000-07:00

The storm is coming but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson

This is how I feel right now about life. There is so much going on around me, so many demands, so many heartaches to tend, so many needy hands, so many deadlines, so many obligations. Sometimes this world chokes me.

Can I just breathe? Can I please just breathe?

There's so much I want out of life, but I feel that if I were to get them I would sacrifice my life.

I want to teach, but first I must be a slave to the system that allows me to, and in doing so have the life (quantifiable, in years) and life (in spirit, desire, fervor) sucked out of me.

I want to write. That takes time, effort, and determination. Translation: I have to choose not to waste time on other things, also meaning I have to break habits that I've had for years.

The most evil of all conundrums: I want to make money so I can actually have some savings, but I need to be in school. I want to do really well in school, but it is difficult for me to do when I work, even at only part-time.

I want to care about the world around me, a world that is hurting and needs a savior. But I keep my head down, avoid eye-contact, and hurry on with my rushed day. A rushed day that doesn't necessarily produce any fruit, but I feel "good" knowing that I didn't "waste" any time.

Jesus, I want nothing more than to wake up tomorrow morning and breathe. If I must stay here on this Earth, just let me breathe. I have no objections to being taken away right now, but if I must stay, please just let me breathe. In... and out. In... and out. In... and out.

I just need to breathe.

The happiest moment of my life.

2008-04-28T21:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, exaggeration. But you have to read this. I wrote this on the myspace of a coworker who is vacationing in Japan.

You totally missed it! We had an armed robbery last night! I feel really bad, because I sat the guy, but how was I to know? One minute he was eating his burger, then he followed J---- into the back and held a gun to his face. I don't know what happened after that, but it was really scary for a few minutes before the cops showed. Some people just got up and left, running out the front, and a four year old got run over by a teenager on the way out. Anyways, the police came running in the front and the back, arrested the guy, and J---- only had a split lip. We stopped letting people in after that. We just waited for people to finish up and then we closed. And needless to say, it was hard falling asleep last night.

And his response:

OMG, I just got your message. That is unbelievable. I'm so sorry. Everybody must be shaken up about the whole ordeal. Hope you are ok. :( I really am wishing I could have been there so I COULD KICK THE LIVIN S--- OUT OF THAT MOTHER F------! ahem... anyways, don't let it bother you too much, you have to realize you do live in Kent..

I pretty much love me right now.

Quick, overdue, somewhat lame update for y'alls.

2008-04-27T23:20:00.000-07:00

Hi... I feel kind of awkward. I haven't written in this in four(?) months. I intended to post an update a long time ago. Obviously, never happened.

I did not return to Multnomah in January for the Spring semester. There were reasons for this that to be quite honest would not be completely rational to share on a blog. I wish I could be more transparent, but I'm not. If you'd like further details, just ask me, I'm sure I'll tell you.

I moved back home, and in January began a training course at Renton Technical College to become a Nursing Assistant. No, I don't want to go into nursing. I just did it so I can get a job as a CNA. It's a good skill to have, I'll always be able to get a job, and it pays well.

That class did not last the entire quarter, so between the end of that class and the beginning of Green River's Spring quarter I had almost month of vacation. So I went to Maryland to visit my friend Charlotte. It was a great trip... got my ear pierced!

Also right as I was finishing my Renton Tech class I began working at Red Robin as a hostess. It's a great job and I really enjoy it, plus the people I work with are great.

Currently I am taking fifteen credits at Green River. All online, so it's more Caroline-paced. Translation: I get to sleep in.

Now for the juicy details, what I know you all are wondering: Am I coming back to Multnomah?

Well... I have not decided yet. I know, I know: I'm killing you, Smalls. But don't worry, I have given myself a May 1st deadline to decide. Hey, would you look at that, that's this Thursday!

See, no worries. You'll know soon.

Pray for me if you so desire....

Insert Title Here

2007-12-08T14:39:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in a while, and there sure is a lot to write about.

There is a big change happening in my life very soon, but I'm not posting it here yet because there are some people back home I want to tell face-to-face. But, I'm very excited about it, very good things are going to happen, and everyone here at Multnomah has been so supportive.

Last night was the STUGO Christmas Party and my friend Marjen was in charge of it all. She had asked me to help her, so I said I could help set up and help clean up. I had so much fun! I sometimes have trouble enjoying myself at parties, but last night I learned that I enjoy others' enjoyment, and I was so glad that I was able to bring that to them, if at least in a small way.

After we cleaned up, Marjen and I went with a friend to the video store and I bought ten movies for sixty dollars. Did I seriously spend sixty dollars on movies?! I was a good bargain, but still, sixty dollars is a lot. I need to not spend money late at night and/or when I'm tired. That's when I'm most likely to be irresponsible and/or frivolous.

I've been listening to Carrie Underwood, Avril Lavigne a lot lately. Needless to say, I like them.

I have a final everyday next week except for Friday, so Mom's coming down on Friday to move me home. Thursday night I'm going to have a dinner with friends and just hang out, eat, play Apples to Apples, and rejoice in the grace God has showered on me in the form of all the wonderful people He has put in my life.

Tonight I have been invited to two different parties, but I think I'm going to turn down both. I need to study, as I'll have no time tomorrow.

Exhaustion

2007-11-17T00:17:00.000-08:00

The events of this last week have been just so overwhelming in many ways, I write this to you as a way of processing it all.

Sunday at WellBeing, the AIDS ministry I work with at my church, I just became very heavy-hearted. Normally we don't ever talk about peoples' diagnoses, so I just kinda forget that the reason why everyone is there is because they have AIDS. But I made the mistake of stopping and thinking of this reality... he has AIDS, he has AIDS, and yes, even he has AIDS. I became so sad. All of these men whom I have gotten to know and have grown to love have this horribly unfair disease... I don't know how to hand this reality and process my emotions.

Monday brought a beautiful chapel honoring veterans for Veteran's Day. It wasn't just one person saying "This is what you need to know, this is what you need to feel." What they did was they brought men and women up on stage, in their various uniforms, and they all briefly shared their experiences and also what they thought was important for us to know and how we could pray for our servicemen and -women. That was really good, because I knew the people up there and I could connect with them. One thing that was hard to take, though, is what my friend Jason shared. He said that a silent and unknown killer of servicemen and -women is suicide. We civilians don't often hear about it, but it is a common occurrence. This got me worried about my brother Ian who is serving in the United States Marine Corps Reserve. No, I'm not afraid that he'll commit suicide, but I just began wondering if he ever gets discouraged, and I wanted to make sure he had someone to talk to. I just had this overwhelming feeling that he was having a bad day. So I texted him and told him I love him and to hang in there. He was a little confused and so we had short conversation about the Veterans' Day chapel, and he assured me that he would never leave us because he has too much to live for. He told me he was off to see the Seahawks play for the Monday Night Football game, so I kinda just assumed that meant he was going to the Crabtrees' house to watch it on the big screen, but I wondered why he was leaving for an evening game so early....

Later that night, he called me, but I was in the bathroom, so I missed the call. I called him back, figuring he just wanted to talk to me about earlier, to make sure I was okay and to assure me that he loved me. I called him, but he sounded like he was caught off-guard, so he said he'd call me back in a few. So as those few minutes passed, I wondered why he called. I figured it had to be important, otherwise he wouldn't say "Let me call you back." I was hoping it wasn't going to be a serious "You know I'll always love you, sis" kind of calls, because I was tired, and I really didn't feel like being serious. But what I did want was for him to tell me that him and Kaitlin were getting married. Call me selfish, but I'm just so tired of it all: meeting a new girlfriend, trying to figure out whether or not it's worth trying to be her friend, and either A. be her friend, or B. spend all my effort disliking her, and then after all that emotion effort from either A or B, they break up, and I have to spend even more emotional energy processing that and trying to recover. I'm just so tired of brothers and their girlfriends. And besides all that, I freaking love Kaitlin, and I really wanted to just hear him say that they're getting married. Because I freaking love her, and she's so incredibly good... and seeing her go would pretty much be the hardest thing ever, on at least two levels. So anyways, while I was waiting for Ian to call me back, I was just pacing and praying that the call would be to tell me they were engaged, and not to be all serious. So Ian calls me back and I crawl into my bed as I answer it. He asks me what I'm doing and I tell him that I was just about to go to bed, but that I can spend a few minutes talking to my brother. He asked me if I was sitting down, which was a dumb question I thought because I had just told him I was about to go to bed. So after he confirmed my sitting position, he said, "Okay, you ready?" I was so excited, and was thinking this is it! this is it! this is the news I want so bad! O God please let this be the news! He continued, saying "Kaitlin and I are engaged."

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's pretty much all I could do! I was so massively happy, I had no words. My word were not enough. All I could do was scream! And scream I did... for at least four or five minutes. Ian, on the other end of the phone, was telling me to quiet down because I'd wake up my whole floor, which of course I didn't care about, because it was still a few minutes before quiet hours, so I was technically good, even if I wasn't too polite. Ian put Kaitlin on, and she was giggling and just said "Hi Caroline!" And I said "Hi sister-in-law!" Confession: I've been calling her that since September, so now I'm glad it's official. Anyways, it was basically one big scream fest, and I didn't really say too many words, but I somehow realized that he had gone to the actual game that night at the stadium, so I asked him "You didn't propose at the Seahawks game, did you?!" And he told me that he did it after. Oh.

So Monday night I went through all the dorm telling everybody that my brother's getting married. It was bomb.

Tuesday... nothing much, I don't think.

Wednesday morning, Liz informs me that the fleas that have been biting me at work have made their way into our dorm room, because she now has flea bites. Let me explain. As a custodian, part of my job is to clean vacant housing units so they can be ready to be turned over to the next tenant. The unit I had been cleaning since Friday of last week was a house on Pacific Street, in a row of houses the school owns. It was completely empty, but there were fleas... and they liked to bite, the little bastards. At first I wasn't too worried, but then I got to thinking, and I realized I didn't want to be responsible for infesting the dorm with fleas, so I called my boss to let him know. The solution that my roommate and I reached: wash every single piece of clothing, bedding, and any textile that the fleas could be in.

The irony in this is that last weekend I had the brilliant idea to purge my wardrobe, because I was convinced I had too much clothing. Ha! I got rid of maybe two small boxes, and do you know how much I had left over? NINE LOADS! Nine loads of laundry. And that's in the large-capacity washer and dryer at my work. Another not so cool element, in order to get the laundry done sans quarters, I had to do it all at work... awkward, yes, but also inconvenient, as I had to continuously make trips across the back parking lot to the warehouse, sometimes carrying laundry and sometimes not, but every trip was in crummy weather.

So I didn't sleep in my room on Wednesday, I slept in my R.A. Summer's room. But, I managed to sleep past my alarm and not wake up until noon, missing chapel, a class, and an important meeting. And then Thursday night I made it a specific point to clean out my room and get back into it... that was a process. Had to take out everything that was on the floor, vacuum, then put everything back. It actually felt really good, and it really just makes me look forward to having my own room next semester. Then today, Friday, I slept late, too late to go to my Bibliology/Theology Proper class, but that's fine because I hate that class anyway. After classes and more laundry and such, I was able to go to Fall Banquet. And now I'm back. And I think that I am much to tired to finish this blog and fill in all the details I would like to, so I guess I'll pick this up again tomorrow.

My Three Bibles: The Holy Trinity

2007-11-07T16:19:00.000-08:00

Just the other day I was carrying three things, and I realized they define my life to a T.

The Father: In Style Magazine. What dictates me the most? What am I consumed with at all times? Where do I find my security? Image. What makes the world go round, Father? Tell me eternal truths, such as What's Hot Now. Tell me the stories of the ages, such as the evolution of Jennifer Lopez's wardrobe, or the latest stories of Britney's divorce.

The Son: Date Book. What should I do? How should I live? What should I consult for every decision? What will serve for me as model of how to do things? The End All? O holy Date Book, allow me to live like you.

The Spirit, the oft ignored and neglected member of the Trinity: Holy Bible. (The real one.) Do I ever think of it? No, but I always have it with me. I consult it, occasionally, but mostly wonder if it's even that useful. In fact, I ignore its ever-present influence in my life. Sure, verbally I will admit that it is my driving force, but in practice it is not.

Am I alone in this? I don't think so. But still, I need to reexamine my priorities and redefine my trinitarian lifestyle.

Where Has All the Money Gone?

2007-10-17T23:31:00.000-07:00

I used to get so mad at my mom. Every time she made chicken or spaghetti for dinner, I would ask her why we were having it for the thirtieth time that week.

"You'll understand when you have five hungry kids to feed."

But I never listened. I was too consumed in voice lessons, flute lessons, buying dresses and accessories for the next dance, going to movies, driving around town with expensive gasoline, buying myself sin in a cup from Starbucks, traveling around the United States and the world, or living in another state pursuing higher education. All with my parents' dollar.

Now, 19 years old and one year out of the house, I see it as a huge hurdle to go from one paycheck to the next. Learning to say no to a drink and a pastry from the cafe. Learning to pay debts in a timely manner, or not have them at all. Learning to decipher between need and want. I want to buy new shoes. I need to be saving money now for my trip to D.C. in March. I want to eat out. I need to take good care of my body. I want to spend my paycheck until it's gone. I need to keep money saved, because emergencies happen. (Like a $55 locksmithing when locked out of a car and in a pinch to get to Seattle....)

Now, 19 years old and one year out of the house, I'm not so picky with the food I have. I have enough. I have enough to sustain me through the day. I have enough to keep me healthy. And spaghetti is gratefully accepted.

Maiden Voyage

2007-09-25T22:17:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I am taking Miss Gulch out on her first trip. We're going to go to Bipartisan Cafe and having coffee with Karissa. I hope Almira makes it, because it would be rather unfortunate if something happened and I had to miss class because of said unfortunate incident.

In other news, in the last two days I've had an exam or a test or a quiz in all my classes. And I have an exam in Bibliology/Theology Proper on Friday that I know I'm not prepared for. I'm also way behind in my reading for History/Poetry, so I really need to get caught up in those classes. Fortunately my boss is really flexible with my schedule, so if I need to come in at a different time than what is on the schedule I gave him, he's fine with it.

Another thing that is a source of stress is the Do You See Orange? campaign that our Acting on AIDS group is doing this week. We're a bit behind, and still need to get the t-shirts sold! But, praise be to God, we had a really productive meeting on Saturday and were able to assign leadership roles (yes!), set some goals, and fill out our paperwork for STUGO, so we'll be chartered as an official student organization... as soon as I turn in the paperwork. Dot, dot, dot, sigh. But I am excited to get up at 5 in the morning tomorrow to put up the fliers! I get a kick out of those kind of things, and the morning is so beautiful. There's a simple form of perfection found in the morning stillness that can chase away any woe.

I think I'm going to start running again. I haven't really done it much since I ran on the cross-country team in high school, and I really miss it. And I spent a ton of money on new running shoes earlier this year, to train for a half-marathon I'm not going to run, so I may as well get some use out of them!

Friday night is an art auction that will raise funds for the ministry I'm involved in. I've been looking forward to this for weeks, and I feel it's important for me to go so I can finally start taking an ownership of the ministry I do. Unfortunately, my good friend, an old friend, a kindred soul, a brother of mine, Ben Dial, is having his first show that night in Salem. Ugh! Ben's first show! Do you know how badly I want to be there? I want to be there a lot. So much of me wants to forsake the art auction and go down to Salem. But I can't do that. It wouldn't be right. My ministry is a commitment I've made, and commitments are meant to be held, even when it doesn't seem convenient. I'd love more than anything to go to Ben's show, but I guess I'll see his next one.

Saturday I plan to go to the Portland Art Museum. They have student pass that I will buy and I'm really excited for it. I pay only $10 and I get in for a year! Special exhibitions are excluded, but that's okay: I can go to the PAM whenever I want! I may go on Saturday with Margaux, which will be nice because we don't live together anymore and I hardly ever see her.

I've started reading a new book. Being White: Finding our Place in a Multiethnic World, by Paula Harris and Doug Schaupp. It's really good and I've enjoyed reading the first few chapters. I'm trying to break my habit of starting books and never finishing them. I have a lot of good books that I've never read, mainly because I'm scared of never finishing them once starting. But I'd like to read the books I have, so I've got to start. The only way to get my books read is to start reading them. And not just start reading them: I've got to keep reading them.

Well, it is late and I must get up in six hours so I can put fliers up around campus. I'll let you know how Miss Gulch does!

Freedom

2007-09-21T14:53:00.000-07:00

"Almira Gulch. Just because you own half the town doesn't mean that you have the power to run the rest of us. For twenty-three years I've been dying to tell you what I thought of you! And now... well, being a Christian woman, I can't say it!"

This is my new baby. Her name is Miss Gulch. Maybe she's not much to look at, maybe she a bit too rusty and a bit too squeaky. And I'm sure in her day she wasn't that much anyway.

But she's mine.

I will work on her. I will treat her well. I will pour my time and money into her. I will take her on regular trips around the city.

Why?

Because she is my ticket to freedom. She will get me off this campus. She will give me independence. She will inspire me to such great heights.

History

2007-08-29T17:56:00.000-07:00

Today in Western Civ., Dr. Scalberg had a great lecture, as I assume he always will, and he shared these quotes.

"Our times and our thoughts are largely shaped y the past. That shaping is one reason we study history. How we think, how we react to the occasions of daily life, the vocabulary we use in speaking of the past - are all legacies. To study the past may help us understand better how we came to be who we are.... By showing us that our lives are historically conditioned, we discover a certain freedom. We know that what is does not have to be this way."
Richard Marius of Harvard University in his A Short Guide to Writing about History (1995), p. 7.

"If you would understand anything, observe its beginning and its development."
Aristotle - 4th century B.C.

"The value of history is that it teaches us what humanity has done and thus what humanity is."
R.G. Collingwood (d. 1943) - Oxford University

"A country without a memory is a country of madmen."
George Santayana (d. 1952) - Harvard University

"History, therefore is vital to our human existence. To have no story is, almost, to have no life. People suffering from amnesia or Alzheimer's can live and function, but they live pitiable lives because they have lost contact with their own story. When societies and cultures lose contact with their own stories, they are also pitiable."
R. Wells, History Through the Eyes of Faith (Harper & Row) page 1.

It is for this reason I am glad I am a history major.

Guess who's back, back again....

2007-08-27T21:27:00.000-07:00

I'm back. It's true. And I've created this blog so people back home (and in various other locations) can be kept at least sorta up to date on what goes on at this place.

I moved back to Multnomah on Thursday. My mom and sister were wonderful enough to come with me and help me with the transition. After I moved all my belongings into my room, I stopped by my boss's office to check in and to see where he'd want me this year. Last semester I cleaned White Hall, which was pretty much the best job ever. But alas, White Hall is no more, so I thought I'd settle with cleaning Memorial. Turns out, Joe had bigger and better plans for me. He offered me the position of Female Projects (it sounds weird, I know, but you just gotta know the custodial lingo). This means that I am assigned different projects by my boss, such as doing laundry, taking inventory, delivering supplies to the girls' dorm (hence, Female Projects), etc. This is a promotion! My pay was raised fifty cents, and my hours increased from 10.5, flexible, to 15, super-flexible! That's so freaking amazing. So I think for now I won't worry about getting a second job. Praise God!

I spent the first night at Margaux and Amanda's apartment because I wanted to check it out and to spend some time with them. I didn't see Amanda much, but it was nice to be with Margaux again.

In the morning I went home and Liz came over to see our room in total disarray. I think I spent the rest of the day just unpacking, and then I went to work. Oh, and I got my books. Or maybe that was on Thursday....

The next day, Saturday, Liz moved in. I was so glad to have her! I was getting a little stir-crazy in my room, all alone. I got to go out to eat with her family at the Olive Garden. We then came home and unpacked some more.

Sunday was freaking amazing because I finally got to go to church! I've been looking forward to this coming year simply because I want to spend some time settling into my church and getting to know people. I traveled on the MAX with Ashley. We sat down in the "Multnomah Section", the two or three pews where all the MBC kids sit together, and as we did, I said, "Yeay. The Multnomah Section. Yeay for not branching out and staying our comfort zones and not meeting new people. My favorite." Clearly this was sarcasm. So Ashley, intelligent as she is, says, "Let's move then." So we got up and sat in a place that was on the other side of the sanctuary in a pew that was presently unoccupied. I was very pleased. By the time the service started, Tawn and Rhys did come and sit next to us, but I did get to meet the couple that was sitting next to me. Although, I don't know if it can count, because I didn't bother to get to know them any farther than their names. Hmm... maybe I'll work on that next week.

After the service, Ashley and I walked to Taco Bell for lunch. I don't care too much for Taco Bell, but I always love hanging out with Ashley, because if you get her talking on a subject, she doesn't babble, but you always love hearing what she has to say, and it's usually a lot. To me she seems so confident in her views and that's really refreshing. After we were done at Taco Bell we walked back to church and started to set up for ministry.

My ministry this year is WellBeing. It's basically a food and fellowship time spent with people who are living with HIV/AIDS. I felt a little timid trying to get to know people, because I didn't want to be just awkwardly sitting there doing nothing, but at the same time I didn't want to seem not-genuine (I guess you could call that "fake"). It's a fine balance that I'm sure will come once I've been there more and am myself more comfortable. It did help to have Ash there. I also got to meet a girl from George Fox who is one of the chapter leaders in GF's Acting on AIDS. I was super glad to have the opportunity to talk to her and pick her brain. I'll definitely be emailing her and bothering her with dumb questions fairly soon.

Today was the first day of school, and I will say that it was painless. Wait, never mind, I did have blisters all over my feet after I got off work. But as far as classes go, I'm very satisfied. All my classes are back-to-back-to-back-back before lunchtime. I love it! I love that it all happens in the morning. In my opinion, no classes should take place after lunch. It's a sin. I like my profs, although one seems to like anecdotes more than theology, which will be tough to get through at eight in the morning three days a week. I mean, I'm not, at this point, looking forward to studying theology, because from what I've heard (and by that I mean everything my ex-boyfriend tried to relate to me last Fall and I was totally disinterested), it's pretty dense. But I'll take it because I have to. But if this prof of mine just meanders through class and doesn't get through all the material because he's telling stories about his tractor, I wonder if I'll ever be able to get into theology. I mean, I usually do warm up to the subjects I don't like.

Anyways, I worked hard today at work. I'm very grateful for that. Afterwards I went to the cafeteria to have a dorm section dinner, but most of the girls had finished and left by then. Still, I got to meet some of the girls I live in community with. Later, we went out to Karma Cafe and I got to meet some more of the girls in our section. I am really looking forward to getting to know them as the semester progresses.

So, the first few days at Nomah have, for the most part, been pretty uneventful.

Eleven days until Wildhorse!